Everyone faces disappointment sooner or later. Often it is this that becomes the reason for rethinking guidelines and priorities, but it is always invariably accompanied by various negative moods. Even though disappointment itself makes it possible to see the true state of affairs, it remains something unpleasant, although on the other hand, inevitable. What to do if you are disappointed? How to avoid disappointment and what benefits can be derived from it? Any desirable form of dealing with disappointment requires knowledge of what disappointment is.
What is disappointment?
Disappointment is the awareness of the discrepancy between the expected and the actual, meaning by the expected something exclusively positive, and by the actual something negative.
Simply put, disappointment is the understanding that something ideal is not so ideal, but quite ordinary. The most common objects of disappointment are people and ideas. Among people, the most common targets of disappointment are authority figures and partners in romantic relationships . Authorities naturally inspire their own superiority, and awareness of their humanity and the ability to make mistakes leads to disappointment. At the same time, falling in love gives rise to an idealistic picture of the world around the relationship being created, which does not allow one to see the shortcomings at the beginning of the relationship, which usually shocks lovers over time.
Disappointment comes from expectations and created illusions around a certain person or idea, and such expectations come from the mind as well as the false ego. It is impossible to be disappointed in what we cannot call “mine.” You cannot be disappointed in someone else’s faith, in a foreign country or someone else’s leader, but disappointment occurs precisely because of “mine.” The mind, in turn, sees an idealistic object, be it an idea, a person, or anything else, as a source of pleasure. An ideal romantic relationship is a state of falling in love that is familiar to almost everyone. And this all comes from the mind, which builds illusions around someone and instills desires. But the end of “mine is ideal” is disappointment.
One man studied the history of his country from childhood and was immensely proud of the great victories and achievements of his Motherland. However, after a while, he began to discover that his country was not the very first in everything and was losing wars. This awareness gave rise to a natural reaction - disappointment. This illustrates how idealization leads to disappointment. In turn, disappointment can cause anger, disgust, contempt, hatred, malice, cruelty and other states that characterize consciousness in a state of suffering. Disappointment is definitely suffering, but the question of whether a person can benefit from it or not is individual for everyone.
So, disappointment is the destruction of idealism in relation to any object . Disappointment itself occurs due to the fact of expecting certain standards : actions, words, deeds or demonstrated qualities, as well as in the feeling of belonging to the object of potential disappointment.
Raise the norm level
Often people stand still and do not get the desired results due to the low level of the norm. Let's show it with an example. Imagine that a person wants to travel more. Initially, he only went to the dacha, then he was able to afford tours around his native country, then he began to go on vacation to other countries several times a year - and stopped. Dream come true, traveling? Traveling. Is it more traveling than going to the countryside? More. And for a while such a person is satisfied with everything, but then he begins to want more. Then why doesn't it work? One of the reasons is the level of normality. After all, he’s fine, he’s in his comfort zone. But pushing yourself harder and earning more means leaving your comfort zone.
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The brain is designed in such a way that it does not like unnecessary shocks. What to do in this situation? If you have three trips a year, set a goal to do five and at a level no worse than usual. By doing this, you will increase your normal level and begin to enjoy life again.
Disappointment – benefit and harm. How to avoid it?
Disappointment leaves a certain imprint on a person’s consciousness and subsequent life perception - worldview. Thus, disappointment becomes one of the most important factors in the formation of a person’s personality and the reflection of his subjective inclinations. Belief in one or another material object foreshadows disappointment in it: relationships, individuals, ideas, groups of people or their associations. It is important for us to either avoid disappointment altogether, or to move through it in a way that gives us a new experience and makes us better.
Based on this, the first thing you shouldn’t do is negatively fixate your consciousness on the object of disappointment. You should not take revenge, hate, become embittered, or become an ill-wisher, because in essence, in this way we do not give the opportunity to open up to something new, fixing our attention on the negative experience of the past. One of the most important aspirations of a person is to become happy and various manifestations of hatred will not help us in this, and therefore we should abandon them as a heavy burden that we do not need. Expectations, which have become the only condition for the occurrence of disappointment, are precisely in our minds, and therefore is it worth blaming others for our own claims? This will not help anyone, but will only hinder everyone. Therefore, the first thing that is necessary in case of disappointment is to unfocus the consciousness and take it away from the object of disappointment, because it is this that makes it possible to free ourselves from the attachment that causes us suffering. Use this chance wisely.
Second, the right lessons must be learned from disappointment. If we have gone through disappointments in one partner, we will go through it again and again until we understand that our attempts to find an ideal are simply impossible, just like attempts to idealize our partner. Every person has shortcomings and we should accept this naturally, taking them into account in order to be able to properly build relationships with others, and not blame them for imperfections. From disappointments you can gain a tremendous amount of experience and opportunities for improvement, including the ability not to get stolen. It is in disappointment that we are able to learn patience, compassion, detachment, control of feelings and emotions. This is an important source of experience, albeit a painful one. Disappointment is more a reflection of ourselves, our own world and what we want and seek, rather than what is contained in others.
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Third, you should develop the right attitude towards expectations and possible disappointments. By expecting disappointment, we reduce the suffering from it, while at the same time leaving ourselves with the opportunity to learn the right experience. Of course, we have the right to expect other people to fulfill their duties and do what they say, but everything that is beyond this is just our speculation and we should not expect something that someone does not know about. We get disappointed because we want to experience happiness from a certain object, but without meeting such an opportunity, disappointment and suffering occur. To avoid this, it is necessary to correctly build an awareness of what should be expected from people and what should not be done. Fulfillment of given promises and contracts, as well as compliance with rules and norms of behavior from people should be expected. Trying to wait for something beyond these limits is a minefield, it may or may not explode, but it will not get any better.
So, disappointment becomes a tool for gaining experience, maturity, self-knowledge and the right attitude towards life and people, but at the same time, disappointment can really harm a person. An example of the negative impact of disappointments can be:
- withdrawing from the world to avoid potential disappointments
- transition from one extreme to another
- an attempt to justify one's own hatred with expectations
- cynicism, mistrust, suspicion, cruelty
- inability to perceive experience, stagnation in life
- fixation on the past and fear of the future, inertia in life
- cessation of useful activity in the area in which disappointment occurred
Disappointment manifests itself in different ways, but misunderstanding it leads to negative consequences. This is specific harm to human life, perception and even health. Therefore, you should correctly understand the reasons for your disappointments and what lessons you can learn from them. In fact, by realizing that we ourselves are to blame for our disappointment, we can truly feel freedom from injustice and misunderstanding of why this or that negative scenario happened to us. It also frees us from the need to experience constant negative emotions. All this, taken together, is needed more by ourselves than by those in whom we are disappointed. Yes, getting rid of this can be a difficult task, but without getting rid of claims towards others in our hearts, we will poison our own consciousness, knowing full well that nothing will change from our dissatisfaction.
Allow yourself to feel
There is no shame in feeling angry at yourself, the world, your boss, your parents. There is no shame in feeling fear of the unknown, or feeling doubt. It is important to admit your feelings to yourself. Tell yourself: “Yes, I feel pain that at 30/40/50/60 I did not achieve what I wanted, I allow myself to feel it.”
Human emotions play an important role in life. And when we constantly hide behind the mask of “everything is fine,” we are in a cocoon of lies. And to get out of it, to stop pretending, you just need to allow yourself to feel and honestly say: “this is normal, but this is not,” “today is good, but today is not good.”
Frustration in trying to enjoy
Disappointment reveals our selfish motives, because when we give ourselves completely and without expectations to something, we are not able to be disappointed in it. The one who expects the fruits of labor will be disappointed, while the one who is dedicated to his work will continue to act with enthusiasm even when everything goes against him. It is this way of action that leads to success in realizing oneself in one’s business. Quick and high-quality success is obviously impossible; it is either quick, but in fact useless, or it requires extreme dedication to the task. People usually get disappointed precisely because they think that they wanted “everything at once.”
Disappointment comes to us precisely in those areas of activity from which we expect a return in the form of celebrity, money, honor or anything else. The investment of effort does not pay off according to our expectations - disappointment comes, followed by abandonment of activities. But this approach sounds more like childish behavior than the behavior of someone who will achieve success. The most important rule of development is that correct repetition leads to skill, which, in turn, leads to success.
And if you repeat the blows often , Even though the ax is small , it will cut down mighty oak .
William Shakespeare. Henry VI
Thus, disappointment must be replaced by patience and a refusal to try to enjoy the fruits of labor prematurely. There are many stories about how such attempts led to a sad end, for example, the story of how a young peasant, seeing that the barn was full of grain, refused to sow the land, but autumn came, followed by winter, the grain ran out and he had to starve, left without grain at all. Therefore, you should reap the fruits of your labor in a timely manner when the right time comes. But this time never comes at the very beginning or even in the middle of labor.
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It becomes possible to avoid disappointment in work if we act selflessly. Not for your own pleasure, but for the sake of higher concepts: helping others, fulfilling your duty and purpose, improving your life or realizing your talents. This will save us from disappointment by enabling us to act with enthusiasm despite external circumstances.
Whereas if we want to enjoy immediately, only suffering . Driven by greed and the desire to get rich quickly, people fall into the trap of a fraudster or soon begin to break the law, which leads to a natural result. Therefore, the motive of our activity should not be attempts at material pleasure, but the achievement of happiness through improvement and correct life.
Material desire certainly produces the greatest suffering, and freedom from such desire produces the greatest happiness.
Srimad-Bhagavatam. 11.8.44
Be open and friendly to the world
In psychology, I distinguish four types of a person’s relationship with the world.
- I am bad and the world is bad. When a person does not love himself, he considers himself unworthy of some benefits. And the world considers him dangerous, evil, punishing him.
- I am bad, but the world is good. The feeling that everything is fine with everyone, but this person is not. That he is not good enough for some goals, benefits, success. Not handsome enough to love, not rich enough to travel, and so on.
- I am good, the world is bad. The feeling that he is such a great guy, and does everything right and lives right, and the world is bad. Everyone else earned their money dishonestly, lives wrong, is not worthy of success, is ugly...
- I am good, the world is good. Of course, it is already clear that this is an ideal model of relationship. Where a person loves himself and feels happy, and perceives the world as a casket with all the blessings, in which he can take everything he wants, treats everything around him with respect and care.
Try for several days not to gossip, not to discuss anyone, not to think or speak badly about anyone. It's harder than you think, but this practice will bring you closer to the fourth relationship model.
The consequences of disappointment and freedom from it
Freedom from disappointment makes it possible to live truly freely. Without fearing, on the one hand, all sorts of collapses, and on the other, looking at things as they are. Disappointment itself frees us from our illusions and for this we should be grateful to it. Through disappointment we contemplate the true state of affairs, and it is this vision that allows us to act as correctly as possible in the current circumstances.
The stronger our expectations, the more painful the reality will be. Right action comes from a realistic perception, so we should give up all illusions about other people, ideas or anything else. Freedom from disappointment means that a person can see everything in the right light, and this indicates the ability to correctly perceive the world and act in a way that will avoid suffering and lead to happiness. This is precisely the goal of any person’s activity - to become happy.
A common way to get rid of potential disappointment is to curb your mind and stop perceiving it from the point of view of various material objects, concepts and categories. The truth is that every living entity is an eternal soul, which is not part of the material world. Our senses can experience pleasure, but only the soul can experience happiness. Trying to find happiness through pleasure thus becomes pointless. If we understand our spiritual nature, we have knowledge of how to become and be happy. But ignorance forces us to follow paths that are not meant for happiness. Just as my fingers cannot taste food, so the material side of a person: his mind, mind and body, cannot feel happiness on their own. These instruments are given to man for performing correct activities, and not for trying to enjoy the material world. Fingers feel happiness when the stomach is full of food, so we should use our life for right activities.
Identify limiting beliefs
We are limited not only by material objects, social strata, financial status and the environment in which we live. Most of all, a person is limited by his own beliefs. Usually they begin to seize power over us from childhood. Here are the most common:
- "Boys don't cry." In the real world, regardless of gender, people have the right to express emotions through tears.
- “You’re a girl and you should wear a dress/play with dolls.” In the real world, girls often wear pants and are into cars.
- “If you’ve never lived richly, there’s no point in starting.” In the real world, people from poor families achieve excellent financial success, and vice versa - millionaires lose everything.
- “Decent girls/boys don’t behave like that.” In the real world, decency imposed by parents has very blurred boundaries.
- “You are just like your father, but he never became anything.” In the real world, being similar to your parents does not provide any guarantee of following in their footsteps.
- “You sing/draw/dance poorly...” In the real world, people develop their talents and learn new things, rather than giving up on their dreams at the first failure.
As adults, limiting beliefs accumulate even more. And at 45 we already consider ourselves old and unnecessary; at 30, many people think it’s too late to start a family, and so on. In fact, if you look at the world, as if from the outside, it becomes clear that all social time frames are invented by people for people. And our desires, dreams, goals and possibilities are not limited by any age.
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True goal
The correct course of action is to understand yourself, your purpose, what you should do and what you should not do. To know your spiritual beginning, your place in life and the correct perception of yourself and the world. The true goal is to act from the position of your real nature - spiritual. Operating from a spiritual perspective means interacting at the soul level. But on a spiritual level, we can only interact with God, since He is always in our heart. Thus, any material goal is not only meaningless if it is not associated with true understanding, but is also a source of various sufferings and disappointments.
It is worth acting to improve your life, fulfill your duty and destiny, purify yourself, but all this only serves to build the foundation for the possibility of a higher kind of activity - devotional service to God. There is nothing higher than God; the only reasonable and logical conclusion in a person’s life is a conclusion that points to the achievement of a higher goal. The highest goal is God, there is no doubt about it. God cannot be reached either through austerities or meditation, or through the acquisition of knowledge, or through various pious activities. God can be realized only by His mercy, and this mercy can be earned by engaging in devotional service to Him. Therefore, a reasonable person, understanding his true nature, will be interested in achieving the highest goal, which can give a feeling of boundless happiness.
Disappointment is the destruction of our idealistic hopes and illusions. It comes on its own when reality opens up to a person who has many expectations. There is only one way to stop being disappointed - not to expect pleasure from various objects, and also not to identify yourself with them. But even from disappointments you can learn many important lessons, which will both allow you to understand yourself and look at the world differently, and will allow you to turn inside yourself, to your heart, which will be the first step towards a truly important goal.
Get rid of denial
Of course, a moment will come in your soul-searching when the psyche begins to defend itself, and you will have the feeling that you are already living normally. It is important here not to fall into illusions. The feeling of happiness cannot be squeezed out of oneself. You are either happy with your life or you are not.
At the moment when you want to stop, change nothing and not take responsibility, think about it, because it is better to be afraid, doubt, but know the truth and solve the problem, than to live wearing rose-colored glasses and wrapped in a pink blanket.
Cult of childhood
The cult of childhood means the protection of childhood in an exaggerated form, when parents try to make their child’s childhood as joyful and cloudless as possible, limiting in every possible way from any external negativity. This is generally a correct and healthy approach, but sometimes it takes an excessive, exaggerated and perverted form.
The situation with this is especially difficult in large cities, where the discrepancy between children's images and reality is greatest. In villages, undeveloped countries and tribes the situation is different. There is no cult of childhood, children learn to live real life from childhood: they see all the joys and sorrows, work (help) together with their parents. We will talk more about the cult of childhood in future publications.
It is useless to revive your love if...
- He constantly causes you irritation, which does not go away even in rare moments of normal communication.
- You are constantly looking for a reason to leave home or go to bed early so that you can communicate with him as little as possible.
- Living together does not bring you joy.
- You have crossed the line beyond which harmless jokes have grown into offensive insults and rudeness.
- There is a continuous black streak in your intimate life (both have no desire at all, rare violent intimacy does not change anything in the relationship as a whole, or this is the only thing that still unites you).
- You are unable to calmly talk about a common problem.
- You don't trust each other.
- You are not interested in where your husband has been all day.
- You no longer compromise and have become completely intolerant of each other's mistakes.
- You feel great in his absence and sigh in disappointment when he returns home.
- You are no longer afraid of losing him.
If you can check the “affirmative” box on all points, consider that your relationship has already ended a long time ago and is simply “rolling along by inertia.”
