Anger is a feeling that we often do not allow ourselves to experience. Indeed, how can you be angry with your mother, especially if you are already an adult woman, and she is elderly. And most importantly - why do this? Is there any meaning to expressing anger?
Being angry at your mother, the woman who gave you life and bandaged your broken knees, can seem difficult. It is especially difficult to feel angry if you are convinced that she tried or that she really loved you, even if she was not able to show it in a way that would allow you to feel that love.
It is important to remember that anger is not an end in itself or a place where you will necessarily stay forever; it's just part of the healing process.
If you are still trying to get something from your mother (love, respect, recognition, communication...) and you avoid upsetting her, you will be afraid to admit even to yourself that you are angry.
If you must maintain a self-image that excludes anger, you also need to stay away from this emotion.
But if you want to protect your wounded inner child, if you want to create the opportunity to feel something that was previously too scary to feel, if you want to release that feeling (instead of subconsciously dwelling on it), you will need to give yourself permission to feel anger.
You have the right to be angry. Why is it important to release anger?
Your anger towards your mother has a very early origin, as does the habit of turning off your anger. The pioneer of attachment theory, John Bowlby, said that anger is a natural reaction to a situation when a child’s need for attachment is not met. When a child feels that anger only leads to the mother moving away from him even more, the child learns to turn it off.
And here two styles of insecure attachment come to the fore. People with an avoidant, self-sufficient attachment style tend to suppress or hide their anger and believe that it can only harm the relationship. Adherents of the ambivalent, preoccupied style have learned to use their anger to gain the attention of another person.
Already from childhood, we can use anger in the same way as we do in adulthood to push a person away or break up with him. Thus, anger helps to develop. It helps you gain your own experience, which sometimes differs from the family myth.
It is important to understand that you have the right to be angry, and just because you feel angry does not mean that you are a bad or generally angry person. Anger signals that something is wrong. Anger is a healthy reaction to violence that is built into us if we have not suppressed it.
You need to stop being afraid of anger and understand that it is not dangerous in itself. An unhealthy relationship with him is dangerous. Anger controls us when we throw it out indiscriminately and cannot contain it soberly. Anger can be one of the causes of tragedy if a person who has suppressed it for many years reaches a turning point and becomes violent.
In such situations, anger is dangerous. A different, pure anger, on the contrary, helps to build relationships without humiliating, but still showing respect and bringing more honesty into them.
We show healthy anger, for example, when we are insulted or treated disrespectfully. Anger communicates that this is wrong. This is its purpose - to erect the necessary boundaries.
Likewise, it is important to release the anger stored in your body. Anger that you could suppress before you even felt it. This may even include the rage you experienced as a baby or toddler. I am convinced that this anger can be processed and released through skillful feeling or expression. It is safest to engage in this release under the guidance of a qualified psychotherapist.
Don't try to drown out your feelings
It is normal to experience strong emotions and feelings, especially now. Ask yourself, “How am I feeling right now?” Fear, anxiety, excitement, anger, anger, horror, disgust, shame? Pay attention to your body and sensations.
Acknowledge your feelings. Say things like, “I'm scared. I'm afraid". Then be more specific: “I’m afraid of getting hit in the head, I’m afraid of ending up in prison, I’m afraid of cockroaches and lack of toilet paper,” - it’s better to even write it down or find free ears.
How to recognize the anger within yourself
Anger comes in all kinds, and here's another important difference. There is the anger of the victim, which feels whiny and helpless, and the righteous anger of standing up for one's own interests. The point is to move on to righteous anger, even though you may start with the first one.
For some people, anger comes easily, and they use it as a universal emotion to replace disappointment, sadness, fear, whatever. Others hold on to their anger, no matter the cost, out of a subconscious fear that if they let it out, it will open a floodgate that cannot be closed.
Healing emotional wounds of any kind requires that you become emotionally flexible, able to experience and recognize a wide range of emotions without being held hostage by any of them.
Dealing with anger is largely about giving yourself permission. Many of us have learned to swallow anger, and it usually takes a long time to unlearn it. Being consistent and sincere in your journaling will help you unlearn this habit of self-censorship.
How to deal with irritability: 6 effective tips
Making a number of lifestyle changes can significantly reduce your irritability levels and help you start to feel much better. Here are some helpful strategies to try.
Start exercising (regularly!)
Physical activity can have a positive impact on your well-being and give you positive emotions. The key to success is regular practice.
Try to find a sport that you enjoy and spend at least half an hour training three times a week.
Eat a balanced diet
A diet rich in whole grains, beans, fruits and vegetables, and low in processed foods, will help boost your energy and have a positive effect on your mood and psychological well-being.
3. Maintain a regular sleep schedule
In order to get enough quality sleep, it is important to train yourself to go to bed and get up at approximately the same time every day, including weekends. Two simple life hacks that will help you get better sleep can be found in a separate material.
- FAQs Two unexpected life hacks that will help you start getting enough sleep (finally) And why didn’t we know about this before?
4. Practice slow breathing techniques
You can quickly cope with an attack of irritability with the help of conscious slow breathing. Try inhaling for a count of four, hold your breath for a count of seven, and then slowly exhale for a count of eight.
Another way to calm yourself through your breathing is to count your inhalations and exhalations backwards from 60 to zero. Close your eyes and say to yourself “inhale sixty,” and then “exhale sixty,” “inhale fifty-nine,” and so on.
You'll see, after a few minutes of this practice, your mental balance should be restored.
Start meditating
Meditation is a simple and effective way to not only cope with your negative emotions, but also begin to feel happier. Read about how to start doing it in a separate material.
- Lifestyle How to meditate at home correctly: 13 tips for beginner Zen practitioners (om-mm) A selection of tips for those who want to start meditating. Step-by-step instructions for the first practice and useful tips on how to make the training as effective as possible.
Make an appointment with a practicing psychotherapist (available online)
Talk therapy and working through the psychological causes of irritability can be extremely effective in combating and controlling negative emotions.
- FAQs Online psychotherapy is better than offline: 5 secrets that will help you get the most out of video calling. It may be unusual, but it’s worth a try.
- Author: Maria Minaeva
Exploring Your Anger: A Journal Exercise
This is the first part of the sentence, and you need to complete it with what comes to mind. You need to answer quickly so as not to have time to subject yourself to censorship. I recommend that you complete this sentence at least ten times (the longer the list, the more effective the exercise will be) and concentrate your thoughts on the mother:
I'm angry because...
After you've finished, read all your answers and notice how you feel. If you want to record something freestyle, now is the right time. I also encourage you to think about one more question:
Underneath the layer of anger I feel...
Finish this sentence at least ten times as well. You can also make a list of things you haven't forgiven your mother for.
How to prevent an attack of aggression?
It is worth analyzing the situations in which such behavior appears, identifying its causes and, if possible, removing them. Consulting a psychiatrist-gerontologist will help you cope with this task.
The patient’s relatives will have to change their behavior and attitude towards him:
- accept age-related changes, come to terms with the fact that a person needs more time even for simple things, with the fact that he can forget a lot, do something wrong, it is especially important not to get irritated, not to react negatively, so as not to provoke an aggressive response;
- take into account the state of health: constant pain, as well as decreased hearing or vision, distort the perception of the environment, the person begins to react sharply to stimuli;
- try not to criticize, not to make unnecessary comments; try not to create situations in which the patient might do something wrong, and if he has made a mistake, do not focus on it;
- if an elderly person needs help when visiting the toilet, changing clothes, or performing hygiene procedures, it should be gentle, and the actions of the person helping should not cause discomfort;
- monitor the emotional state: if “harbingers” of aggressive behavior appear (anxiety, restlessness, fear, pain), try to call a gerontologist as quickly as possible; timely prescribed drug treatment will prevent the development of an attack of aggression.
Precautions when dealing with anger
If anger is one of the emotions that you cannot control, and its expression has negative consequences, you may need to take special precautions.
It is important that you are able to calibrate your anger so that it is an ongoing process and not something that is either on or off. You need to recognize anger when it first arises and have the tools to control it. You need to be able to control its volume, using techniques of switching attention, breathing exercises or short breaks in order to interrupt the unwanted increase in tension.
You might consider taking an anger management course or working with a therapist if you find yourself unable to control your anger, or unable to even touch it.
Go to like-minded people
Go to those who understand you: tell about what is happening to you now, what you feel, think, see. Ask what thoughts and feelings they have, support each other, help, cooperate.
If you can’t calm down, you have complaints about your physical and mental state, seek help - many psychologists now help for free.
We have created a Telegram chat for psychological mutual assistance - there you can talk about your feelings, ask questions and get answers from psychologists, and sign up for a free appointment.
Adrenaline and cortisol. The effects of stress can be confused with a concussion
Thanks to stress hormones, a person’s capabilities increase many times over in a situation of danger: adrenaline reduces the ability to feel pain - this is how nature helps living beings fight or escape even in the event of injury. Adrenaline increases strength and endurance, and mental abilities. You may shake - this is the body trying to deliver more oxygen to the muscles, the pupils will dilate.
Adrenaline triggers the release of glucose to give the body more energy. But if this energy is not involved in any way, then it can become bad - due to nausea, headaches, changes in vision, the post-adrenaline state can be confused with a concussion.
Keep in mind that you are under stress, but know that if you have any, even minor, head injury, you should consult a doctor.
