Some researchers view separate life as a historically new form of family. Some guest marriages may even prioritize the couple's relationship and place more importance on the friendship. From this perspective, guest couples are not radical pioneers outside the family, but rather they are cautious and conservative and simply demonstrate a lack of commitment.
Research using more comprehensive data shows that guest marriages represent a heterogeneous social category with different motivations for living apart. Around a third feel their relationship doesn't need cohabitation, while others can't live together even though they want to, with work being the most common reason. In practice, the motives are often complex, for example one partner may wish to maintain the family home for existing children, while the other may welcome autonomous time and space. Sometimes the “preference” may have a defensive motivation, such as an emotional desire to avoid a repeat of an unsuccessful or unpleasant cohabiting relationship.
What does guest marriage mean?
Guest (extraterritorial) marriage is an officially registered relationship between a man and a woman that does not imply living together and running a household.
Spouses can, if desired and agreed upon, spend their free time together and go on vacation. The birth and raising of children in a guest marriage is not uncommon. In this case, younger children usually live with their mother, while older children do so if they wish.
estranged marriage retains the acuteness of feelings for a long time
From the mouths of ordinary people
There are also many ordinary Russian women who shared their stories and talked about the pros and cons of such relationships.
Valentina, 31 years old, in a guest marriage for 5 years
This is my first experience of a guest marriage. Usually my chosen ones wanted to live together, as they adhered to the traditional family model. But in the end the relationship did not last long. My current husband and I agreed on living separately.
We see each other often because we live in neighboring houses. We don’t have a clear schedule, so we see each other according to desire and mood. Sometimes we stay overnight at each other's houses. We spend one vacation in a place, and I spend one alone - this is my condition.
We do not have a general budget, and this is also my initiative. However, we can divide some expenses in half, for example, when we go on vacation to other countries. Parents and friends treat this union of ours absolutely normally.
For me, the main advantage of a guest marriage is personal space, which comes first for me. I believe that two people in one apartment is already a hostel, and I absolutely don’t want to negotiate with my husband about everyday details.
Anastasia, 45 years old, guest married for 15 years
Before this relationship, I was married twice, and both times we were a traditional family: with a common household and everyday problems. Therefore, with my current husband, who also had classic marriages behind him, we built things differently.
We both live outside the city and see each other very often - almost every day. The rest of the time we do our own thing. We also prefer to spend our holidays separately. Each of us has our own bedroom at home, so we don’t disturb each other at night and get enough sleep.
We don’t have children together, and we have separate budgets. He asks me for money, but sometimes he gives me small sums. We coordinate household purchases and buy them in half.
For me, there are more advantages than disadvantages in a guest marriage. I consider the main advantage to be the lack of obligations and strict boundaries, as well as the ability to do whatever you want at any time. In my case, there are no disadvantages of such a relationship, although most likely there would be if we had children together.
Alena, 27 years old, in a guest marriage for 1.5 years
My husband and I got married two years ago. Before marriage, we did not live together, only sometimes spent the night at each other's. Therefore, when we started living together, the grinding process began. I was terribly annoyed by the mess left by my husband, and he was infuriated by my pathological love of cleanliness.
Another problem was that we lived in a one-room apartment, and I was sorely lacking in personal space. Quarrels began to occur almost daily.
I began to think about divorce, although I really didn’t want to do this - after all, I love my husband. Guest marriage became our salvation. On weekdays we each live in our own house, and spend weekends together. During the week we also sometimes meet in the company of friends. Such relationships bring me real pleasure! The house is always clean and I can always be alone.
The budget is partially general. We transfer a certain amount to a common account, and spend the rest of the money at our own discretion. We spend the general money on recreation and entertainment.
I won’t lie, but it seems to me that my husband would like to live together. Perhaps we will return to the traditional family model when we decide to have a child, but at the moment I am happy with everything.
Psychologists note that living together is only recommended for those partners who really want it. In another case, living separately will bring more benefits. Spouses have time to be alone, but at the same time they know that they have a loved one with whom they can relax.
Guest marriage: psychology
Why do men and women who love each other refuse to live together and choose, in their opinion, a convenient guest marriage?
Spouses who:
- cannot tolerate each other in everyday life, they constantly quarrel over little things
- build a career in different cities or countries
- have negative experiences of living together in the past and are afraid of repeating the situation in a new marriage
- want to prolong romantic feelings and freshness of relationships
- have no desire to adapt to the other spouse, violating their own personal space
- have creative professions (artists, painters, writers, directors)
The most famous guest marriage of creative people is the union of actress Helena Bonham Carter and director Tim Burton. The couple have been living in neighboring houses for many years and are very happy with their situation.
Guest marriage: psychology
Examples of par4
Famous and famous couples are mentioned from the 19th to the 21st century. For example, a 2007 Times article mentions Woody Allen and Mia Farrow (then living on either side of Central Park, New York), Margaret Drabble and Michael Holroyd (married 36 years as of 2022, living in separate houses), Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton and their two children (two houses next door in Hampstead, London), and Booker Arundhati Roy and husband Pradeep Krishen (with separate houses in Delhi, India).
In the 1840s, famous composer Frédéric Chopin and writer George Sand had an "unusual" relationship, which today would be called a guest marriage. The relationship between the philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre (1905–1980) and the feminist writer Simone de Beauvoir (1908–1986) is often mentioned. It is important to remember, however, that it is not only the rich and famous who live separately, this lifestyle is common among ordinary people in all social groups.
Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton
Guest marriage without children: pros and cons
It may seem that in most cases, guest marriage is chosen by men, because the advantages of such a free life are obvious to them. However, wives also often initiate the organization of guest marriages.
If there are no children in the family, the positive aspects of such a relationship for spouses are:
- independence and freedom
- lack of responsibilities in everyday life and quarrels on this basis
- dates only at a time convenient for both spouses
- just a pleasant time with your soulmate
- the acuity of feelings remains for a long time
Guest marriage also has serious disadvantages. This:
- difficulties arise in cases where one of the spouses needs financial support, is sick or does not have favorable social conditions
- relationships built on romantic experiences and sexual satisfaction quickly deteriorate if feelings “burn out”
- distance will win sooner or later, the feelings of the spouses will cool down, because Skype and phone calls cannot replace the joy of personal meetings and the comfort of a family hearth
- There is often jealousy in relationships
- if spouses are comfortable living in a guest marriage, perhaps they are not yet ready for a serious relationship
- in a guest marriage there is no emotional attachment between spouses
Guest marriage without children: pros and cons
Why do people form a guest union?
There are many reasons why a couple prefers this type of relationship. There are several of them:
- living situation (financial difficulties, as a result of which one of the partners is forced to leave for work for a long time and stay at home for a limited time);
- the impossibility of organizing a shared life (for people who value independence and personal space, it is problematic to share the same territory with a partner, to accept his habits and way of life. In this case, a guest marriage is formalized in order to preserve the relationship);
- examples in the environment (the presence of acquaintances or parents who have entered into this type of union and are satisfied with their marriage are a positive example that influences decision-making);
- experiment (in order to preserve relationships or add variety to family life, a couple decides to have a guest marriage, which allows them to make a final decision, or change something in their life, without losing their partner).
Important! The guest union is viewed favorably in Western countries, but in Russia this type of relationship is not usually considered a social norm. Women who are left with a child are subject to great public censure: a father living separately is perceived as a citizen who neglects his responsibilities in raising his common offspring. Women are classified as single mothers.
Guest marriage with a child: pros and cons
The main disadvantages of a guest marriage with a child include:
- the maintenance and upbringing of children falls on the shoulders of one of the parents (usually the mother)
- lack of communication between children and the absent parent
- the visiting parent is not perceived by the children as a full-fledged member of the family
- children do not feel like they live in a complete family
- Children develop misconceptions about the family and the relationship between a man and a woman in marriage
Advantages of guest marriage with a child:
- the parent raising has more free time to devote to the child
- the visiting parent will be happy to spend time with the child, take him on walks, to classes, clubs, entertainment centers
- the child will grow up in a calm family where mutual understanding and love reign
- the child will not see the parents’ dissatisfaction with each other, domestic disputes and fatigue
Guest marriage with a child: pros and cons
FAQ
Below are answers to questions related to the topic in one way or another.
What is Godwin marriage?
This concept is used to designate the type of relationship considered. No difference. Another variant of the name is business marriage.
What types of marriage are there?
There are many of them. This is a civil marriage, which we have already written about, church, de facto, dynastic, morganatic and other types.
What is a Boston Wife?
The concept is used in relation to women living together for a long time. To be more precise, it was used. Around the middle of the 20th century. it was withdrawn from use due to the start of colossal work to recognize the admissibility of same-sex relationships in a number of states. Basically, a Boston wife is a lesbian living with someone else. Together they are, understandably, Boston Wives.
What is a partnership marriage?
This is almost the ideal form of relationship. Within its framework, a man and a woman accept each other as they are. They do not criticize each other, do not try to change each other and simply enjoy life together.
What is an open relationship?
This type of relationship presupposes the freedom of partners in terms of outside connections. However, connections in the context of open relationships should be understood as any other than intimate ones. There are also distorted ideas when this type of communication is confused with absolute freedom in choosing any contacts.
How is this an arranged marriage?
A marriage of convenience is when a couple enters into a union for selfish reasons. This is about mutual benefit, about an agreement that guarantees benefits to both.
How long can a guest marriage last?
A guest marriage, just like an ordinary one, can last only a short time, or it can unite two loving people forever. The duration of a guest marriage depends on many factors, the main of which are the feelings of the spouses for each other. If feelings have cooled down, and life has never connected, the marriage will fall apart.
How long can a guest marriage last?
How to convert a guest marriage into a traditional one?
Transitioning from a guest marriage to a traditional one can be challenging. It would seem that the relationship is documented, the feelings between the spouses only grow stronger over time, but at the same time the desire to live together does not appear in one of them.
Taking guest relations to a new level is only possible if both people strive to live together and run a household. When the spouses understand that they want to establish a common life together, raise children and equally share all the joys and hardships of family life, they will begin to live together.
If the transition from a guest marriage to a traditional one is the idea of one spouse and at the same time a “horrible dream” of the second, nothing good will come of such an undertaking. It is impossible to force an adult to fully participate in the life of his or her spouse.
The only thing you can do to try to create a traditional marriage is to talk to your spouse, clearly defining your desires and hopes. But you shouldn’t put pressure on your partner if he has completely different plans.
How to convert a guest marriage into a traditional one?
Can temporary separation strengthen a marriage?5
Guest marriage can be useful as a form of relationship strengthening. The therapeutic value of separation in strengthening a marriage if it is done correctly for the right reasons and if there are clear agreements from the beginning. This separation can be done at any time, and, indeed, more and more couples are living this way. However, there is something “wrong” when couples live apart, and we usually view separation as something used primarily by couples who have reached their breaking point. They have usually tried various other interventions and tactics to get the marriage back on track, and now they are in a place where there is nothing left to do but separate, physically separate, and ultimately get divorced.
However, rather than achieving a goal, division can be a useful tool to maintain unity. This seems counterintuitive when the marriage is in trouble and the relationship is fragile. Most of us believe that when we feel our spouse is slipping away from us, we should merge more, be as close as possible, and do more “to make the marriage work.”
The thought of creating distance at a time like this instills a great fear of losing control over your spouse and your relationship. This option is especially difficult if the bond between you has been weakened by a betrayed trust. But if used carefully and skillfully (and usually with some professional support), this tool can be quite effective in bringing two people closer together.
Will guest marriage displace the traditional family?
Guest marriage is gradually becoming the norm. Forced to look for part-time work far from their hometown, husbands and wives leave home and go away while working. And so, when the loans are repaid, the children are educated and housing is purchased, the spouses begin life together again. However, by this time, the husband and wife are already so accustomed to independence and independence that living together turns into a real test for them.
Another model of a modern guest marriage looks like this: he is a middle-aged man who already has unsuccessful experiences in family life; she is a successful, wealthy, self-sufficient woman who is used to doing without outside help and solving problems on her own. Living together for such a couple may be problematic, but a guest marriage will give the spouses everything they need.
In Europe, guest marriage is very popular. More than 40% of European married couples have chosen such a relationship.
Of course, guest marriage will not be able to completely replace traditional relationships, but the fact that the number of guest couples is increasing every year is an indisputable fact.
Will guest marriage displace the traditional family?
Why is the classical form of marriage dominant now?
The more complex and multifaceted a person’s life became, the more everyday tasks fell on him. Gradually, people came to the conclusion that it was much easier for the two of them to cope, and even to share household responsibilities. After all, it is known: the fewer tasks you have, the better you understand them.
What about today?
Your house is cleaned by a robot vacuum cleaner, your laundry is done by a machine, you can get to work by subway, and anyone can “catch game” in the form of money, regardless of physical fitness and especially gender.
This is difficult to explain to those who were born in the USSR or survived in the 90s: then the family was truly the most “full-fledged” unit of society.
In fact, the real argument that forces people today to maintain classic relationships is that feelings require constant close contact.
I want a guest marriage: where can I meet?
For someone who is sure that traditional marriage has no place in his life, finding his other half is not at all as difficult as it might seem right away. All methods of dating are standard, from a chance meeting on the street to choosing a candidate on a dating site.
The most important thing is to indicate your position at the beginning of your acquaintance and find out how your chosen one feels about a guest marriage.
It is impossible to predict whether the guest marriage will be happy. If a man and woman love and respect each other, they will in any case be able to overcome life’s difficulties with dignity, even in an ordinary traditional marriage. At the same time, even the “lightweight” guest marriage model will not save partners who are not ready for a serious relationship.
Who chooses guest relations? What factors influence the choice?
Initially, the phenomenon of guest marriage was popular among rich and busy people, whose work activities required frequent business trips to separate places. They were organizing family life in such a way that it did not interfere with building a career.
This format of relationships is especially widespread among celebrities, who can spend several months in other countries on tour or filming. It is normal for them to focus on creativity rather than family problems. This does not mean that in such families spouses do not care about each other. Partners love each other, however, most of the time they are each responsible for themselves.
Often, guest marriage is an alternative for categories of people who do not have their own home, who are traveling, or who temporarily do not have the opportunity to live together.
Today, older couples often choose guest marriage. Often people of retirement age do not want to change their habits and adapt to their partner. At the same time, there is deep affection between them and they want their union to be serious.
Psychologists believe that guest marriage is often resorted to by couples who are on the verge of breaking up, but want to try to save the marriage. An extraterritorial residence option provides an opportunity to look at the situation with a fresh look. The spouses either make a deliberate decision to reunite, or realize that further life together is impossible.
Sometimes one of the partners agrees to this family format in order to keep their other half. But psychologists are sure that such a decision is fraught with final separation. The spouse, who is burdened by life together, eventually feels freedom, forgets about responsibility, and the relationship goes into a pathological stage. During meetings, the party who dreams of saving the marriage tries to please his life partner, and he takes this for granted.
Most family psychologists note that modern ideas about the family have undergone significant changes. Previously, lovers played weddings at a fairly young age - up to 20 years. At the same time, the divorce process was quite complicated and caused public censure. Women felt defenseless without a husband, and after getting married they held on to him.
Today, most women are independent and many young ladies find marriage with its traditional responsibilities as a wife burdensome. More and more couples see marriage as an opportunity to enjoy time together, rather than being burdened with family responsibilities and problem solving.
Recently, there are more and more independent women. They are able to provide for themselves and their children without the financial help of a man. Many do not want to exchange their sense of independence for the status of a housewife who is immersed in cleaning, cooking and washing, while being financially dependent on a man. As a result, more and more women are speaking out against traditional families, because they do not want to take on responsibilities that would radically change the usual course of life.
Very often, people who have experienced a divorce from their parents are inclined towards guest marriage. Many people who get married were brought up in single-parent families and did not have a model of a happy family before their eyes, so they themselves do not strive to create one. On the contrary, fear of strong closeness and commitment appears in their heads. For them, a guest marriage is an excellent alternative to the traditional one. On the one hand, they have a family, but at the same time they do not feel trapped.
Another category of people who prefer guest marriage are couples who have already been in a traditional marriage, but have become disillusioned with it. This is a fairly common occurrence. Not seeing the advantages of classic cohabitation, but at the same time not wanting to remain single, a person gives preference to this format of relationship, considering it ideal.
A significant factor influencing the choice in favor of a guest marriage is children from previous relationships. Many parents do not want to traumatize their child’s psyche by living with a stranger.
