How to break up with a girl? The line between ending a relationship and conveying to the girl that there is no return and remaining gallant and humane is thin. If you show yourself too softly and, trying to support her, say a lot of compliments, you risk receiving obsessive attention and attempts to convince you instead of ending the relationship. And if your approach is too harsh, you can seriously offend and inflict irreparable mental wounds on a creature that, due to its feelings, is defenseless in front of you.
We spend different amounts of time together with people (from minutes to decades); it is easier to say goodbye to colleagues than to loved ones. Cases of saying goodbye to a relationship due to the sudden realization that a further path with this person is impossible (due to the departure of feelings or betrayal, a change in conditions or the discovery of unmanifested sides of the personality) are not new, painful and cause a lot of thought. If you decide to take this step not after a scandal, and this is a conscious decision, then you should end the relationship without prolonging the process and not letting the situation go uncontrolled. The best option for this is an honest, open conversation in person, and the worst option is to leave without explanation, cutting off all lines of communication.
If you are thinking about how to break up with a girl and remain friends, then you should also reconsider the interesting conclusions adopted, in the light of the obviousness of your desire to continue communication. Perhaps this desire hides an escape from responsibility, or you have come up with unnecessary things about the girl’s demands from you, then it’s worth discussing this, and not turning your own feelings around - it won’t get better.
But if the decision has matured in your soul and is supported by the logic of your mind, then you should take care of how to break up with a girl without offending her.
What not to do
Before we get into the topic, let's figure out what NOT to do under any circumstances.
Just so you're aware of what's sure to harm your already strained relationship with your ex. After many years of working in the field of relationship psychology, I have come to the conclusion that most people make the same terrible mistakes when texting their exes. And by doing this, they deprive themselves of all chances to return to their previous relationship.
A French proverb says:
When you're trying to recover from a breakup with your ex, emotions can often override logic. You are heartbroken, desperate, depressed, and just not yourself. And most importantly, you don't think logically! There are 3 main types of messages that people send when they lose their temper and which they will later regret. So it’s better to listen carefully to my advice if you don’t want to feel guilty later.
Mistake #1: Hatred
So, the first thing people like to write after a breakup is how much you hate your ex. Yes, maybe you will feel better after you speak out. But is the game worth the candle if you lose it forever? Rude things said to her will reduce the chances of you getting back together. It's obvious. Cool down before picking up your phone. Such emotions are completely normal in your situation. Yes, you are angry with her and your emotions take over.
But is it wise to act this way if you want to get your relationship back? Think carefully, what is your goal now? Kill her outright with an angry message? Or bring her back and rekindle the old feelings? Think carefully.
After all, people are drawn to what makes them happy, and if you are completely negative, then you leave yourself no chance that she will be drawn to you again. So cool down, relax and leave all the fighting for a more appropriate time.
Mistake #2: spam
The second type of message you shouldn't write is what I call "spam." When your emotions take over and your nerves run high, you pick up your phone in desperation and start attacking your ex.
The catch is that no one likes spam, and no one likes communicating with people who are desperate.
Put yourself in the shoes of someone who receives 20 or 30 messages a day from someone she doesn't even want to talk to! Perhaps you have already been in this situation. Annoying, right?
One client told me that he sent 67 messages in two days and received no response. And it’s quite natural that this guy never got his girlfriend back, which was quite expected.
Mistake #3: Emotional Tornado
The third type of messages that will definitely help turn your ex away from you forever are messages that I call “Emotional Tornado”. They sound like:
Guys, this kind of phrase will kill any sympathy she has for you. Yes, you may think that these are very frank and sweet SMS messages. But in fact, she will begin to think that you will now decide to be a loser all your life, from which it is better to protect yourself with an insurmountable fence.
And if you send your ex any of the three messages mentioned above, then you are exactly the type of people I call “telephone terrorists.” When you behave this way, you push her away and irritate her, not to mention that you can even scare her and wonder how she managed to contact such a person in the first place.
I know what some of you might be thinking right now:
To put it simply, yes, there is a chance. But for this you need to carefully follow my advice.
Pleasant flight!
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You love your football team, don’t miss a single match, wear their T-shirt, but your girlfriend hates such hobbies? Invite her to a game. Just before the match, a small plane (which you will hire, of course) will fly a poster over the field: “Katya, we can’t be together anymore. Good luck. Thank you". While she looks at the poster in surprise, you will leave the game.
How to break up beautifully without offending the girl?
You should not disperse under the influence of emotions, in a fit of anger. It won't help to discuss the situation with your partner. The best way out is to calm down, calmly weigh and think about everything, and then invite the girl to meet on neutral territory so that no one interferes.
Talk to the girl frankly, explain that your relationship has changed and there is no point in continuing it. Don't forget to highlight her strengths in the conversation. Gently but firmly tell her that you are different people. And in order not to torment each other and not reach the moment when irritation develops into hatred, you need to break up. Emphasize that the experience gained in relationships will help her and you find the partner of your dreams. Thank you for the moments of happiness that you experienced with her.
Take all the blame for the breakup. To convince a girl of this, prepare the ground. Gradually extinguish the relationship without showing signs of attention. Spend less time with her, do not be interested in her affairs. Love will slowly fade into the background, and the relationship will smoothly develop into friendship.
Let her know that you both need to take a break from each other and figure out whether you need to continue building sand castles. And then the guy has a choice - to return or not.
You can break up in different ways. But if you respect the feelings you had for the girl, do it beautifully. Give a bouquet, say “thank you” for being with her, apologize for the fact that the relationship did not work out.
Try to get rid of sentences with indefinite constructions
No, this is not advice to students in the “Elocution” discipline, this is a recommendation to those guys who don’t want to make their girlfriends cry by mumbling something unintelligible during a breakup.
When you talk to her, get rid of phrases like: “I don’t know if I love you or not.”
“,” “
I just still can’t decide whether I need you now or not
,” “
I can’t understand whether we should break up or not
.
Believe me, it’s almost impossible to endure this. Any of us would tear up at your uncertainty.
Don’t be lazy and think in advance about how you feel, weigh the pros and cons of breaking up in private, and then tell her something specific. Alternatively: “Listen, I think it’s better for us not to see each other for a while. It will be better this way"
. Then explain the reasons for such a statement.
A tricky way to break up
If the classic breakup and breakup via SMS do not suit you, this is the method just for you. Here you need to collect all your originality and even work on lies. There can be many ways here. For example, you can admit that you are gay, or you can ask a friend for help to make your girlfriend fall in love with you. You can bring a girl down and she will leave you. In general, take your imagination into your hands here, but just don’t go too far, this is still a breakup, not a circus.
These tips should help you when breaking up. Before doing this, think carefully about your decision, because the words cannot be taken back. Remember why you fell in love with your girlfriend, if you decide to break up, don’t be rude, understand that the girl still has feelings, but also get rid of the feeling of pity.
Try to find the optimal time for this
Another condition that can affect the course of your separation is timing and circumstances. For example, leaving a girl on March 8, February 14, or her birthday would not be the smartest decision.
Besides, if she's having a hard time right now and needs your support, the news of a breakup will also be a pretty cruel surprise.
Try to start this conversation on the most neutral day possible, which can be compared to complete calm on the ocean. Then none of you will be overwhelmed by emotions from the shocks that have already happened.
Advice from psychologists
Psychologists insist on the need to survive the breakup so as not to return to the idea of renewing the relationship. Each stage after a rupture can be smoothed out:
- Denial – any thoughts that arise about a temporary cessation of communication should be smoothed out by returning to the list of shortcomings compiled in preparation for the conversation about the breakup.
- Anger - active sports that require energy will help. Running, dancing, boxing and swimming are suitable.
- Bargaining – when trying to return, remember your sense of self-esteem.
- Depression - in this state, a change in activity, departure, a new hobby or travel will be useful. With a limited budget and time, you can try to change your area of residence or go to a country house for the weekend.
Starting a new life after a breakup is always a long and painful process. It will require determination and confidence in the decision made, so be prepared for difficulties. However, further continuation of unpromising relationships is even worse.
Is your decision correct?
We move around in a circle of different people. And our taste does not always coincide with the taste of our family, loved ones, and friends. But this does not mean that we need to completely coordinate our preferences with them. It is for this reason that people often break up with friends and loved ones who are dear to their hearts. Study the following points carefully and remember them forever.
Your friends are “not into” your girlfriend. They give a lot of reasons - she’s ugly, she doesn’t know how to cook, she doesn’t allow us to communicate freely, etc. Be careful - it’s not with them, but with her that you need to share shelter. Why on earth do they make their assessments, and in general, what does their opinion have to do with it? Believe me, none of them who instills confusion in your soul will let you say a word about their passion. Rather, they are jealous of you and thus want to compare their positions.
Your family didn't like your beloved. Her own sister, mother and father treat her negatively, dislike her, and do not want to accept her into the family. Yes, it’s much more difficult here, because she and they are the dearest and closest people to you. I don’t want to lose my relationship with any of them. What to do?
If you really love your girlfriend, talk to her. Agree that she will not judge her elders. And at the same time, make it clear to your relatives that you are an adult, independent person and will choose your beloved based on your preferences. The main thing is to preserve love if there is any between you. Very soon you will really begin to live only for each other, build a family. And time plays in your favor, children will be born - the parents will immediately fall in love with the young mother and will help the young family in everything.
How to break up with a girl without hurting her
Psychologists strongly recommend that those who decide to break off a relationship in the heat of scandals and outburst of emotions not make hasty decisions. Quarrels will go away, passions will subside, but love will remain. In such a state, you can make an unforgivable mistake and regret it for the rest of your life.
It is important to behave calmly and wisely and think about the issue before making an important decision. Do some light visual gymnastics
- Imagine that you have already told your girlfriend about the breakup. Make a visual representation while staying at home all alone. What do you feel? If you feel slight discomfort and at the same time lightness, a feeling of freedom - don’t stop, break off the relationship.
- We repeat again - do not tell her about your decision over the phone or online. You will need to be patient and stock up on nerves, since most often an explanation with a girl ends in hysteria and tears. Unfortunately, there is no way without this!
You shouldn't force your friendship on her.
If you are still thinking about how to leave a girl without offending her, take a closer look at this point. Remember that you are asking your girlfriend to break up, which includes the lack of systematic communication, support, and most importantly, the full right to intimate interaction with any female representative.
Not every girl, after such conditions, will agree to continue the sweet communication with you that you want to impose on her. It's, of course, good that you don't want to completely break off all contact with her and forget what her name was. However, she will now decide whether to be your friend or not.
It is possible that she will not want to communicate with you anymore, and that is normal. Well, or she will want to become sworn enemies with you. In this case, your offer of friendship may seem completely offensive.
How to tell a girl about breaking up
Breaking up is always unpleasant and there are no ideal tips for a beautiful breakup with a girl. But if the decision has been made, then it is better to inform about it immediately, rather than stall for time. There are two ways to end a relationship:
Direct, frank conversation requires tact and respect for your former companion. There is no need to break up in a fit of anger, anger, or when overwhelming emotions take precedence over reason. This is not the best way to discuss the situation. You need to calm down, carefully weigh everything, think it over, and then invite the girl to neutral territory where no one will interfere. Talk frankly and try to explain that the relationship between you has reached a dead end and there is no point in continuing it further.
When talking, do not allow accusations, reproaches, or anger. Don't put the blame for what happened on the girl. Do this to soften the resentment and pain that the girl experiences from being abandoned. Behave like a real man, tell your friend how wonderful she is and thank her for the time spent together and the happy days given.
Writing a note, SMS message, letter is a simple way, but many women do not trust such messages and do not take them seriously. Sooner or later, an unpleasant conversation will still take place. If you want to part with your friend gracefully, give her a pleasant surprise. Give flowers or something as a keepsake, promise that in difficult times you will always come to her and help her.
When should you break off a relationship with a girl?
To determine that a relationship has ceased to bring joy and no longer has a future, find at least one match among the items presented in the list. This will be an indicator that parting with a beloved, but unsuitable girl is inevitable, since the characters and temperaments do not match.
READ How to forget a loved one after a breakup: advice from a psychologist
- Different visions of a joint future, life, and lifestyle of a couple. Men and women grow up in families where the understanding of norms of behavior is different. For some, it is acceptable, for example, not to express feelings and act coldly, while for others such behavior is annoying. The same applies to understanding further development: a man insists on moving to another city to look for a well-paid job, but a woman will not agree with this, or vice versa. Therefore, if disagreements arise when discussing everyday issues, and neither of the couple is ready to compromise, you should think about breaking up.
- Disrespect, provocation, blackmail. When one representative of a couple expresses the opinion that certain aspects are not satisfactory, and the other ignores it, this is a sign of disrespect. The union will not receive further development. People with an immature psyche are more likely to engage in provocations and blackmail. Try to convey to your partner that this behavior is wrong, but if nothing changes, you will have to admit that the couple has no future.
- Aggression of one representative of a couple or both at once. Regardless of who shows force and uses physical force, feel free to break off relations with an aggressive person. The same applies to a similar attitude towards children, elderly parents and other loved ones.
If at least one sign is present, think about how to painlessly break up with a girl.
Psychologist's advice
When a love relationship ends, it hurts both sides. When planning to break up with someone, you yourself will experience a lot of suffering. In order to break up with him or her as gently as possible, and also to go through the breakup painlessly yourself, use the advice of a psychologist.
- Acknowledge the positive aspects of the relationship to your partner. It would be unfair to tarnish these memories by breaking up in an offensive way or disappearing without explanation.
- Be clear and confident when explaining the reasons for the breakup. Avoid uncertainty. Show respect to your partner.
- Take responsibility for your decision.
- Don't devalue the other person. You were important to each other, so try to show your partner that you appreciate his or her positive qualities.
- Be honest about your feelings. It will hurt your significant other much more if you do not admit the real problems.
By following these recommendations, you can break up with a person without causing him heartache. Over time, each of you will remember the moments spent together with warmth and tenderness.
For whom there are no feelings
How to break up with a girl who is indifferent. Well-mannered guys who are sensitive to the feelings of others will definitely worry about this and will try to break off the relationship gracefully.
Don't make the following mistakes:
- Tell a girl about her shortcomings. Focus on your feelings. Explain that you are not breaking up because of your ex's shortcomings. Give any other good reason other than this one.
- Don't say you have someone else. This will greatly offend the girl.
- Don't write about your breakup in a letter. If you leave because you lack love for a girl, choose another way to explain: call, make an appointment, talk in person.
When the decision has been made and the place and time have been chosen for a frank conversation, proceed as follows:
- Warn the girl about your intention to have a serious conversation a few hours before the meeting. The ex-lover will have time to prepare for the emotional tragedy. When getting ready to meet you, she will scroll through a million conversation topics in her head, and will definitely think about a possible breakup.
- Meet in a public place. It could be a park, a cafe, a restaurant, a street. There is no need to disclose care in an intimate setting. Especially after sex. This is the strongest psychological blow that can be inflicted on the weaker sex.
- Speak clearly and briefly. Do not delay the moment when you say the main phrase “We need to break up.”
- Ask for forgiveness. Don't specify why.
- Show that you care about your ex's feelings. Try to calm the girl down, tell her that you understand her. But nothing can be done; it would be better for you to break up.
- Calmly listen to the girl. An outburst of emotions and negativity is inevitable. You need to listen silently, without responding to provocations.
- Retreat. The conversation can last a very long time, especially if the girl is determined to prove that breaking up is not the best way out of the situation. Therefore, it is better to leave quickly and try not to meet with your ex for several days.
The hardest thing about breaking up with a girl you don't love is not feeling guilty. Do not give in to the pressure of a girl who promises to prove that her love is enough for two. This is not your type of relationship. Perhaps true love is somewhere nearby, so sitting around waiting with someone who doesn’t evoke strong emotions is a waste of time and energy.
Restaurant or public cafe2
In public catering, the girl will feel relaxed and calm, unaware of the young man’s intentions. If you prepare her for a serious conversation correctly, then you can expect a completely adequate reaction. Firstly, there is no need to put on a gloomy face, as if separation is a forced measure. If everything happens on the guy's initiative, it would be stupid to put on the mask of a sad character.
Secondly, the man must bear all the costs, despite the desire to say goodbye to her. This indicates a good attitude and a desire to maintain a friendly atmosphere. In the end, it was his choice, and you can’t instantly turn into a tyrant who will rub his companion’s nose in for every paid dessert. Thirdly, you need to talk about the girl’s strengths and your shortcomings, like a man. This is difficult, but an inevitable measure if you need to find a common language with an almost ex-girlfriend.
Advice: psychologists recommend giving up drinking alcohol so as not to arouse suspicion about the good news: someone celebrates, but someone wants to get drunk out of grief. Let the aroma of coffee reign at the table. By the way, it would be nice to choose a time in the morning to talk.
Thus, sexologists claim that an abandoned person will do something else during the day, which will distract her from the proposal she heard. To a greater extent, men do not think about this, because they believe that the girl will have nothing to do with them after what has been said. And being alone in the evenings, alone with your thoughts, is harmful for both. The first one suffers, and the second one will definitely find out about it.
We will teach you how to break off a relationship without tragedy for both in the article at the link.
Is it possible to remain friends after a breakup?
People who until recently were a couple find it difficult to get along with the idea of the impossibility of restoring such a situation. Therefore, often in a conversation about the need to break up, you can hear the phrase “stay friends.”
There could be two reasons for this:
- Uncertainty about the decision.
- Fear of gossip and unpleasant conversations.
In the first case, you need to understand the relationship and finally make sure of one of the options. Weigh all the positive aspects and evaluate the significance of the negative ones. Perhaps you can put up with them for a long time or you are already used to them. In the second case, cast aside all doubts and part ways. Gossip and gossip are an inevitable stage, which a calm appearance and self-confidence will help you survive.
Is it even possible to remain friends after a long romantic relationship? This is only possible when spiritual communication becomes more important than physical communication. But this will require that emotions subside and grievances be forgotten.
...if you dare to come for friendly sex
Another mandatory point of the program is to copulate for old times’ sake. Firstly, because the advantages of such sex are obvious: technical perfection (it’s not for nothing that you practiced so much), multiplied by a kaleidoscope of flashbacks and sentimental memories, and seasoned with a persistent feeling that this is your last time. In short, in my opinion, it would be dishonest to deprive a woman of such a “delicacy.” And secondly, there is no more convincing argument that you still have the warmest feelings for Ex than a standing fly. And this is a demonstration of a caring attitude - as I hope you have already learned - the main thing that makes you a little less ugly in a girl’s eyes
Photo: GettyImages/Fotobank.ru
Cases when it's time to say no
In fact, the art of saying no is a great talent for any person, since usually breaking up a relationship occurs dryly or rudely, causing pain to one of the partners. Before deciding to break up, a man must make sure that this breakup is truly inevitable.
You need to break up with a woman in several cases:
- She is not interesting to a man - we are talking about communication between partners or sexual relations. Ideally, a woman should not be smarter than a man, so as not to provoke an inferiority complex in him, but also not stupid, so that it would be interesting to be with her. In bed, a lady should also be relaxed, but within reason.
- Characters don't match - if there is no room for compromise, peace and mutual understanding in a relationship, it is better to break up with the girl right away.
- A girl's incontinence - if a girl constantly makes her partner blush for her in public places, showing stupidity and complete unpredictability, sooner or later a breakup will be inevitable.
- Dissolute lifestyle - if a girl is promiscuous and has a bad reputation, there can be no talk of any serious and long-term relationships.
- A man is purely an outlet for her - if a woman dumps all her problems, experiences, emotions on a man, sooner or later he simply won’t be able to stand it. Most likely, he is just a friend for her, but not a beloved man.
- A woman does not take care of herself - in order to maintain feelings and passion in a relationship, both partners need to take care of themselves.
- A woman is extracting money from her partner - if the initial courtship has turned into the woman simply extracting all the funds and opportunities from him, the consumerist attitude needs to be stopped in the bud.
- A woman insists on marriage - there are many girls who are focused on marriage without thinking about building the right relationship. This is another example of consumerism that should not be tolerated.
- Treason - men are ready to forgive a lot, but not betrayal. Even long marriages with children fall apart instantly if a man finds out about a woman’s infidelity.
- The wife is more successful than the husband - in such situations the roles of the spouses become confused, the woman begins to reproach the man, driving him into complexes and depression. Most likely, she has simply outgrown the man, but cannot leave him due to her sense of ownership.
Expert opinion
Elena Milkova
28 years old, psychologist, sexologist. I consider myself an expert in dating and relationship development.
Every man, before deciding to refuse to date a girl or break off a marriage with her, must carefully weigh all the pros and cons of his decision so as not to regret what he has done in the future. The main reason for a breakup is a lack of feelings.
A few words about errors
There is an opinion that you need to act rudely, sharply, and coldly. Let the girl be in pain, but the suffering will subside faster. But such behavior spoils the guy’s reputation, and his partner develops contempt and disgust for him.
Another mistake is getting personal and quarreling over old grievances. You shouldn’t argue, prove, or shift responsibility onto your ex-girlfriend. You should wish the person happiness and let him go.
The desire to quickly end the meeting will offend a woman, as will rudeness. You can't start a conversation in a hurry. You need to turn off your phone. You shouldn't accompany your ex-partner home; it's better to pay her for a taxi. This is a gallant gesture that will emphasize a respectful attitude towards the girl.
A beautiful breakup is impossible without a sincere conversation alone with your ex. A touching breakup will allow both partners to maintain their self-respect and move on.
Exceptions to the rules and other options
- So, does the “no contact period” strategy work in all situations?
- What if it's been three months since you broke up?
- What if you live together?
There may be many such “ifs” and many controversial situations. But in most cases I insist - no contact! True, sometimes this can be expressed in some other way. In general, if you still have doubts about the effectiveness of my method, you can turn to someone else.
If you watch my free videos and read my articles, you will always find a comment form below them in case you want to chat with me or get advice on whether the “no contact period” strategy is applicable in your particular case.
I have also prepared a list of articles that will complement the above material on this topic:
- When is it better not to ignore your ex? Exceptions for the “no contact period”
- Mistakes that people make after the end of the “no-contact period”
- What if she forgets me during the no contact period?
Also, please pay attention to the fact that the non-contact period itself does not produce tangible results and cannot be the only method for returning an ex-girlfriend or wife. This is one of the most important elements of my course, but if you compare the Ex Factor to a car, then the contactless period is only one of four wheels!
SMS breakups: pros and cons
Many men, due to moral immaturity, fear and embarrassment, prefer to present all important information to a girl via SMS or on social networks (for example, on VK), protecting themselves from her reaction. Psychologists do not approve of remote options for communicating with a girl, since it is impossible to convey an emotional message through SMS and correspondence, and speech may be perceived in the wrong direction.
If there is distance and other obstacles between partners, you first need to think carefully about how to write to a girl about breaking up. It must be emphasized to begin with that the man regrets the lack of the possibility of a one-on-one conversation, that relationships are extremely important to him, just like the girl. Next, you need to name the reasons for the separation extremely delicately, so as not to bring a burden of guilt down on her vulnerable soul.
The strategy for those dates in reverse4
Everything is clear about the meeting place, but how to behave so that the girl can more easily accept the fact of breaking up, is said further.
First, you need to develop a plan for how and when the guy will meet, and what to say to the girl each time. Firstly, you need to delay the moment of the first meeting as long as possible. You can refer to employment, study, work. There is no need to show any coldness; it will be enough that the girl begins to guess and understand the situation herself.
In no case should you suggest taking a break: this is an official “divorce” with a delay in time, where everyone belongs to himself, even if the man really wants to be alone. Well, now, in marriage, you also need to go on vacation? No one does this because relationships are a job for two.
How to forget?
The reason for the breakup is not important, it is important to continue living and not look back. To avoid driving yourself into a depressed state, you need to:
To avoid driving yourself into a depressed state, you need to:
- find a hobby you like;
- change place of work or study;
- if there is an opportunity to leave (at least for a while);
- do something extreme - river rafting, skydiving, and so on.
But the most important thing is to find another girl, and you don’t have to look for one who is similar to the previous one, since in this case the past relationship will constantly hover over the new one.
During this period, you will need the help and support of friends, as well as physical activity, since male energy involves activity and action.
You don’t have to go workout; the world is full of other active hobbies:
- swimming,
- basketball,
- dancing after all.
The more your muscles work, the less energy you will have for sad memories.
