Rapport and its varieties: methods of achieving contact with the subject, allowing influence on him

Rapport in psychology is a special state of specific contact between people, the achievement of which is characterized by a high degree of trust and mutual understanding. It can be defined by the establishment of close relationships based on emotional and intellectual community. People united by rapport are on the same wavelength and moving in the same direction.

Sometimes in communities such a connection is formed naturally during long-term communication of one circle of people. But there are also special ways to establish rapport that help you influence people and things. They help make the other person want to trust and follow you.

Rapport can be used in different ways: for the common good or to achieve personal goals. Moreover, in the latter case, if they do not harm another person, there is nothing wrong with using rapport. It only helps speed up communication to a more productive level.

Attunement with your partner

How it works? Verbal and emotional interaction consists of the following:

• one of the participants in the contact initiates it at a deep level;
• the second responds to him intuitively , that is, he connects to the interaction;
• the first one feels the feedback and starts a dialogue;
• the second one is included in the dialogue.

That is, rapport is the return of a sent signal by the addressee. Below we will consider that the same model can have different forms of expression.

Practice

You can start with family members, copying various aspects of their postures, gestures, voices and words. Treat it as fun and watch the reaction to your actions. At work or when communicating in other social groups, start by copying one specific type of behavior; after you get comfortable in this direction, move on to another. Notice how often you naturally copy the postures, gestures, intonations, or words of your friends. Copying occurs naturally; the only thing you need is to learn to adapt to any person, after which copying becomes automatic whenever you want to strengthen rapport with someone.

Source used: NLP Center

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Contact through trust

The examples above show that trust is a major factor in achieving rapport. It is no coincidence that people who are often manipulated are called gullible. They themselves always blame their offenders for dishonesty, but never admit to their own stupidity. That's why they step on the same rake.

Our task is to stop falling for the bait of such pickup artists, gigolos, scammers and other evil spirits. This doesn't mean you need to stop trusting people. You just need to be attentive to your interlocutor.

Sometimes successful rapport occurs already at the first stage:

• the victim experienced trust;
• ready for immediate impact;
• now all that remains is to convince her of what the contactee needs.

To make sure that contact has been achieved, the contactee often voices a verification phrase or asks a security question. Usually this is some kind of outright stupidity. If the victim answered this question or ignored the phrase, you can begin further processing.

Sometimes a person begins to understand the situation he finds himself in, but he can no longer “get off the hook.” I advise you not to be shy in such cases. Such contact must be broken in any available way: from an aggressive and indignant “Get away from me!” to the infantile “I have no time, I have things to do.”

Sometimes, if the victim is immature, the contactee deepens the attunement with bodily influence. For example:

• request to see a ring or manicure;
• like a random touch;
• deliberately touching the elbow or shoulder.

If the interlocutor does not react negatively, the instillation of the necessary information begins.

This algorithm is also used by ordinary people who know how to establish contact intuitively or simply by studying in the relevant courses. Some people simply have developed the habit of touching their interlocutor during a conversation, and during the emotional intensity of the conversation, hitting him on the shoulder.

The same methods are used: the interlocutor wants his thought to be perceived by you. But he acts sincerely, without any hidden purpose. Our task, if we want to use techniques that inspire confidence in our interlocutor, is to do it beautifully.

Areas of application

Each direction in psychology pursues its own goal. Let’s say that in hypnosis, rapport is necessary to subjugate the client, otherwise there will be no effect from the work. In NLP - to continue communication and achieve intended results. In psychoanalysis and Gestalt therapy - to understand what the essence of the problem is and to provide high-quality appropriate help, support, etc.

These are good intentions, but, unfortunately, it sometimes happens that some individuals try to build trust in order to obtain some specific personal benefit. That is why it is important to know what types of techniques exist in order to promptly recognize an attempt to manipulate your consciousness and resist.

Contact through empathy

Another, less common and more complex form of establishing rapport is achieving empathy with the interlocutor. It is usually developed through many years of experience and is characteristic of high-level specialists:

• doctors who can influence the emotions of patients;
• teachers who can force themselves to listen;
• managers who wisely manage the team;
• politicians or scientists whose speeches are remembered;
• artists whose performances penetrate the soul.

Naturally, they master this method within the limits of their competence, but they often use this skill in everyday life. This skill is acquired by penetrating a person’s emotional state. The interlocutor turns out to be defenseless in front of him, so some teachers or doctors can hurt painfully and cause severe mental trauma. And politicians and artists have to convince their viewers of what is “ordered” by employers and mislead the people.

Empathy is knowledge of human problems, in response to which a person opens up and helplessly awaits their solution by a stronger, wiser, more competent subject. This level is deeper than trust. And anything can happen here.

For example, when a doctor announces a patient's diagnosis, he can encourage him, instill hope, or create humility. And sometimes it can deprive you of hope and even lead to suicide.

The same goes for teachers who have unlimited access to the hearts and minds of their students. The teacher knows that the student wants to get an excellent, good or satisfactory mark and avoids failure. Knowing these basic things makes him practically omnipotent. But if you don’t scare students with marks, the manipulation mechanism stops working.

The list of examples can be continued almost endlessly. It will also include such precedents as gypsy hypnosis, occult influence and the curse of an evil old woman. It is also used by medical scammers, intimidating their victims with fictitious consequences of fictitious diagnoses. The same technique is adopted by “black realtors” and other unscrupulous persons.

That is, a method is just a method. In itself it is neither bad nor good, the main question is how it was used.

Cross copying and detaching

Cross copying is the copying of some types of human behavior by corresponding other types of behavior. For example, if another person's breathing rhythm is outside your comfortable breathing range, you can copy that person's breathing rhythm with your movements, such as wiggling your foot or finger. Cross copying is useful if you want to establish rapport with someone who is depressed and unwilling to deal with it.

Disconnecting is a useful skill to master. Sometimes the rapport with another person is so strong that you can make a decision under the influence of that person. In this case, you need to break the rapport to think about the situation alone. To do this, you need to disconnect. This can be done in various ways. You can break eye contact by looking at your watch or brushing imaginary fluff off your arm. If you are both sitting, you can stand up. Disconnection can also be caused by using your voice, speaking faster or louder, or using predicates that your interlocutor does not use.

Contact-rapport through imitation

This is one of the most powerful methods. Its strength lies in the fact that when used skillfully it is completely invisible. A victim caught in a network will not always be able to recognize the cause of the influence. I propose to conduct an exercise that will convince you of its impeccable effectiveness.

Exercise

Two people stand facing each other at a distance that is comfortable for both. One does simple exercises, and the second repeats them as accurately as possible. The exercise is done until both notice how their state of mind has changed.

After this exercise many things will become clear. For example:

• why does a person on stage motivate the audience to wave their arms in unison with him;
• Why does the lecturer need to look at the audience for a minute or two , who are already listening to him attentively;
• why at an interview they give you a questionnaire in your hands , and the employee takes a magazine;
• Why do they require me to wear a uniform at work?;
• How do we do sports exercises in a group if we don’t do it at home?

The technique of imitation is especially difficult to master when a beginner thinks that he will be caught imitating. Therefore, you need to achieve results gradually.

To begin with, choose a safe environment and practice at home, on public transport or in a store. Step by step you will become more confident and in demand.

The presented topic can be considered long and painstakingly - down to the smallest detail. But the main provisions given here can now begin to be understood and observed:

• how does your desire to manipulate others manifest itself , and what do you do for this;
• how this desire manifests itself in others , what they do for it;
• how do you feel when they try to suppress you.

To understand this more deeply, you can start keeping a diary, periodically reviewing and analyzing the entries.

You can also make your first attempts at creating conscious productive contacts with others.

Editorial opinion

Ilya Tarasov

Chief Editor

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Adjustment to values

In our case, a very important point, since I doubt that according to the article you will be able to master the skill of adjustment well. But with a good desire, everything is possible. When communicating with a girl, it is very important that your values ​​coincide. But at the same time, it is important to remain a person who is not like the others, but who is capable of dominating the relationship. A contradiction arises.

On the one hand, she loves to drink milk in the morning, this is a value for her, and the same value should be present in you. On the other hand, you are a man, you should not have some values ​​that are unusual for men, you should be different from her and from the others. The solution here is very simple, take some of the values ​​that the girl has and adjust them to suit yourself, only your new value should be higher in class or be similar, but at the same time different in class.

For example, a girl likes to play the piano. If it suddenly turns out that you love to play the guitar, then it will be the same value, but it will be of a different class. The value is the same - music, art, but you express it in different ways. This is a very high-quality adjustment to values. In this case, not only do they coincide, but the difference in their expression will also attract attention.

Second case. She loves popular music (pop) - you classics. Its value is to enjoy music, in this case pop music. Your value is to enjoy classical music. The value is the same, but according to generally accepted standards, your way of embodying this value is better. This is a rather slippery type of adjustment. Generally accepted norms do not mean that your girlfriend accepts these norms. So I love Wagner and Vivaldi, so what? Some particularly gifted girl will tell me that I am behind the times, and one girl even began to praise the wonderful football player Wagner.

How to adapt to a girl's values

The first step is to find out what value this girl has. In reality, you need to have fairly refined communication skills to be able to figure out value. So I will write a possible list of guiding questions:

• Do you believe in friendship between a man and a woman?
• What do you value most in life?
• How do you like to spend your free time?
• And you are calm by nature. Or is it just at first glance?
• It is believed that women are the best actors and love to play life. This is true?
• What do you value most in a relationship?
• What do you value most in men?

This is a fairly straightforward way to find out a girl's values. As a rule, it is appropriate with almost any girl, but some charming creatures create too many obstacles in the way of understanding her life ideals. In this case, you have to resort to different tricks. But it’s worth it, this is discussed in particular detail at our pickup training in Moscow.

It is not without reason that it is believed that the most valuable thing in the modern world is information. And, having information about the girl’s values, you can take advantage of this. But more on that a little later, first let’s figure out how to get the information you need if the girl doesn’t want to give it to you on a silver platter.

1. Tricks. If direct questions do not yield the desired answer or it is immediately clear that you will have to find out the girl’s values, bypassing the direct style, then you can make this style not entirely direct. For example, fortune telling by hand. You take the girl’s pen and look at the lines with a smart look. Girls are too curious by nature not to ask what you saw there. Amazing. She herself started the topic of discussing her values, which is what she needed to achieve. Next, taking into account the first impression of the girl, you give her the qualities you assume. Let it be for example:

• family
• attitude towards all people
• health

Which is something you don’t forget to tell her. If she disagrees with something, then you will see a crumpled face that is trying to express that you were mistaken or a direct text that this is not so. And if this is not so, then finding an antonym for this value is not so difficult. The same can be done with zodiac signs, the secret of a name or the special position of eyelashes.

1. If a girl is in a tank and actively resists giving you information about her values, then it’s better to just create them. To do this, you just need to give her information that she will accept as an axiom. For example:

• Life is given only once, but you have to live it differently from everyone else.

Possible answers:

(bad option)

• At the same time, you need to remain human and do as much good as possible in this life.

(a good option)

• Yes, indeed, life is given once and you need to live it to the fullest.

Rapport on values

Any person is partly selfish and the overwhelming majority will choose the second option. The rest of the algorithm is simple. The girl herself said that you need to live life to the fullest, so further mention of discos, crazy actions and constant partying will be quite acceptable.

Now the first option:

• “At the same time, you need to remain human and do as much good as possible in this life.”
• (You) Yes, doing good to others is noble. But good must be done to those who are inherently worthy of it, i.e. not a sadist, a maniac and a banal scoundrel.
• (She) Yes
• (You) And such people, as a rule, also want to do good to others.
• (She) Yes
• (You) So, if you are happy, then they will achieve their goal and will also be happy. It turns out that you just need to live your life to the fullest. To achieve your goal.

This is just an example. In reality, a girl can try to challenge something, object somewhere, but this is already a problem of flexibility, which is the subject of an entire article. If you understand what was written in that article, then it will not be difficult to dispose of controversial issues. The result is value created. It’s not yet completely subconsciously fixed, but you created it, the rest is a matter of time.

1. Many people, including girls, are simply not aware of their values. I have a lot of girls I know who lead a fairly wild lifestyle, but in reality they don’t need discos, clubs and partying, but something completely different. This happens for only one reason - the environment, that is, an external factor. If this external factor is excluded, then there will be a very real and significant value.

Your task is to make the girl realize what is valuable to her. This is quite simple to do; you just need to exclude the external factor that obscures reality. Why is this happening? Why does a person do something that is not part of his life values? The answer is simple, a person must do something. If a person sits alone for a long time, then there is a high probability that he will simply go crazy. Hence the thirst for activity. Attention is focused on the same ill-fated external factor that drags a person down.

If an external factor provides a choice, then a person will choose what is more valuable to him; if there is no choice, then he will prefer to go against his value, just to go somewhere. There is value, but it is not realized.

You can convey her awareness through yourself or through a girl. Let’s take the same example – constant partying and a quiet life. If you are going to make her realize that in reality her value is a calm life through herself, then your task is simple - to rant about how good it is to lead such a lifestyle and the MOST IMPORTANT thing, let her understand that she has the opportunity to lead such a life and this opportunity is exactly you.

Giving her the opportunity to realize her worth through her means letting her know that she has a choice. I hope I don't need to say that this choice is you. But you will become a choice a little later, at first your task is only to ask leading questions. For example:

• - Well, why do you always go to discos? To get drunk there?
• - Of course not, how is it possible? It's just fun.
• -Can't you imagine fun without alcohol?
• - Well, of course I can imagine
• - Then why?
• - Don't know. (or again in a circle from the very beginning)

or

• - (You) Why do you love discos so much?
• - (She) It's fun and interesting
• - (You) All the strangers are there
• - (She) But we can get acquainted
• - (You) You can’t imagine, but it’s much more fun in the company of good friends
• - (She) So sometimes I go to discos with them
• — (You) To meet others?

If you don’t plan to have a relationship with a girl, then you shouldn’t deal with her values ​​at all. Just adapt and change the obstacles that interfere with her seduction.

Again, these are just examples; dialogues can go in different directions. There is a very fine line here between creating values ​​and realizing them. So it’s better to follow the path of awareness only if you are sure that the girl herself cannot understand what is valuable to her.

1. Negative values. Yes, there are some. In this case, the girl has some kind of behavioral value, but the deeper value, which includes this behavioral value, is negative for her. For example, a girl loves Marlboro cigarettes, but this does not mean that she does not value health, and as a derivative, smoking. Here the adjustment is simple:

“Yes, I once smoked real American Marlboro, I really liked it, but in general I’m not a fan of constant smoking.”

We’ve sorted out the values ​​themselves, now let’s talk about something more interesting – what actually needs to be done with them. And you need to adapt to them. The same goes for posture, breathing and movement. Only, again, there is an opportunity to become a parrot and cause mistrust. It is very easy to recycle - you must be the first to indicate your value, which is similar to hers. How to find out a girl’s value is written just above. Then there are several options.

• If you understand exactly what her value is, but the girl did not directly say about it, then say in plain text that, they say, I love such and such in life.
• If she clearly outlined her value in the conversation, then you need to find another, but very similar to this value and again be the first to recognize it.

Go through the derivatives of this value. For example, value:

• trust in people

Derivatives:

• Friendship
• Honesty
• Straightforwardness.

Actions from this derivative: the habit of speaking sincerely, some story about how you saved a friend from bandits and a dog from an evil grandmother.

Remember a very important point: you are the initiator, this is a much better model of behavior than a simple confirmation of its value. Example:

(You found out that the value of sincerity and faith in people)

• Maybe let's stop talking with tricks, I always tell the truth and I would be pleased to think that people reciprocate this.
• (She) Incredible, but so am I. You and I are similar in this way.

Ideally, you need to identify several such points of contact.

Reviews from those who have mastered rapport

Below are some examples of my colleagues who have mastered the art of establishing rapport and used their experience under unusual circumstances.

Tamara

I am a consulting psychologist, I have a good command of NLP techniques and use them in counseling. One day a unique incident happened to me. I was going to my daughter's wedding. In order not to lose her jewelry, she put on expensive earrings with a ring. I got off at the Belorussky railway station early in the morning, tired and not getting enough sleep. I lit a cigarette.

A gypsy woman walked by selling cell phones. When she passed me, I thought: she saw my little gold and was thinking about how to fish it out of me. I pushed this heresy away from myself, but after a couple of minutes I felt myself falling into a stupor.

It felt like something was being pulled out of me. This is where my experience came to my aid. I was distracted by looking at the tip of my cigarette and collected my thoughts, and then turned sharply back - the same gypsy was standing right behind me and staring intently at the back of my head. I applied a strong-willed look and grinned. The gypsy lowered her head and quickly left.

Such a sharp and unexpected break in communication is always painful for both parties. I already knew that on a mental level I had given her something, and it would not pass without a trace. And suddenly an idea struck me: sacrifice my smoking habit! 3 years have passed since then, I have never smoked.

Practical recommendations

To establish rapport in psychology, you need to choose the right adjustment method.
The latter depends significantly on the initial proximity of the participants, the situation and the communication tasks. The personalities involved in rapport also play a significant role. Each method has its own disadvantages and advantages. To achieve the desired result, it is sometimes necessary to use several adjustment methods or a combination of them.

It’s interesting how difficult it is for the average person (without innate communication skills) to learn to establish rapport to achieve certain goals. Please share your experience!

Mozhaeva Taisiya Nov 29, 2019

Notes

1. ↑
   Brief psychological dictionary
2. ↑ 12
   Psychoanalytic terms and concepts.
3. ↑
   All about hypnosis. V. V. Kondrashov. Ch. 4 — “Research on hypnosis in Russia”
4. ↑
   Hypnosis and suggestion in the clinic of internal diseases. P. I. Bul, 1958
5. ↑
   Rapport - Encyclopedia of Sociology
6. ↑
   Rapport - Rycroft C. “A Critical Dictionary of Psychoanalysis.”
7. ↑
   “Stay your line. Techniques for effective communication." N. Nepryakhin (2007)
8. ↑
   NLP as a psychotherapeutic method. — Encyclopedia "Around the World"
9. ↑
   Chaper 8. Communicating to establish rapport — Patient practitioner interaction. Carol M. Davis, Helen L. Masin (English)

Origin of the term

It is believed that the term was introduced by two scientists: Vladimir Mikhailovich Bekhterev and Friedrich Anton Mesmer.

The term was originally used in physics in the 18th century, from where it was borrowed. The word itself is of French origin and means “to return.” The first meaning of the term differed from the modern one, denoting contact between several people, which resulted in a surge of fluids, which, in turn, helped heal the body and restore strength.

Adoption

When using this method, a special role is played by facial expression, tone of voice, manner of speaking, and physical distance between people. The face should show interest in the partner, his problems, and interest in helping. The facial expression should be sincere and open, the tone of voice should be soft and sympathetic. The volume of the voice should correspond to a confidential, calm conversation, without loud notes with attempts at coercion. The distance between partners is considered optimal for achieving friendly interaction when it is slightly greater than arm's length.

Every little detail in the interlocutor’s posture, the position of his hands, and gestures will be important here. All details should express a friendly attitude and a sincere desire to help. In a situation where, as the distance between the interlocutors decreases, the partner moves away, one should not be persistent. With patient use of the remaining elements, the result will be achieved.