How to become self-confident - a selection of the most effective methods for men and women, boys and girls

Confident communication helps us express our thoughts in an accessible way. It helps us interact better with people, makes us an interesting and sociable person. Learning to communicate confidently may not be difficult, but only if you have a great desire. But when you achieve the desired result, your communication will become easy, clear and confident. And if you are reading this article, then you are not the best communicator. So let's talk about how we can improve our communication skills.

What is self confidence

Being a leader, being in the forefront, delighting and inspiring, doing bold things and inspiring trust - all this can be done by confident people.

Confidence is characteristic of actors, politicians, businessmen and all those whom people usually look up to. But there are times when external success does not improve self-esteem.

Feelings of confidence are influenced by:

• presence or absence of achievements in school and work;
• complexes;
• psychological trauma;
• temperament;
• stress resistance;
• appearance;
• dependence on other people's opinions;
• health;
• culture;
• environment;
• relationships within family and with friends.

Self-confidence is the ability to correctly assess one’s strengths, not be afraid of life’s difficulties, even in difficult times, see the positive sides and feel self-respect. This is not fearlessness, it is the ability to fight your fear. A confident person is not afraid to take risks; he knows that there is a way out of any situation.

It is important to understand that self-confidence and self-confidence are not the same thing.

The first case is an example of healthy self-esteem, i.e. people know their pros and cons and do not try to underestimate either one or the other. But overly self-confident individuals do not pay attention to shortcomings or do not recognize them at all. However, in any case, you need to strive to develop positive qualities and not turn a blind eye to problems.

When the world ceases to be hostile, and a person does not consider himself a victim, then his abilities are revealed, he shows himself in the best light and achieves his goals.

You can adjust your view of yourself at any age. New thinking will allow you to move forward, change your external and internal world for the better, improve relationships with loved ones and not get stuck in the dark streak of life.

Self-confidence is not a gift that is given to certain people at birth. It can be developed and you need to fight for it - first of all with yourself. And when you have confidence, you need to try to maintain it. In an instant, self-esteem can drop and insecurity can appear. Why does this happen?

Drink water

When speaking in front of a large group or participating in a long discussion, do your best to stay hydrated. The vocal cords are sensitive to the lack of fluid in the body, which significantly affects their functioning. Remember to drink clean water regularly throughout the day and always have some on hand when performing. This will strengthen your voice and make you feel confident.

Causes of insecure behavior

Psychologists advise looking for the root causes of insecurity in childhood memories. The family does not necessarily have to have an authoritarian mother or father who intimidates, punishes or demands a lot from the child. Sometimes it’s enough just to scold him in front of his peers.

Common causes of self-doubt in children:

• parents do not support or praise for successes, but they always scold for mistakes;
• mom and dad say: “you won’t succeed,” “don’t even try,” “it’s pointless”;
• ignore the child's needs and desires;
• compared with other children;
• a child experiences bullying at school.

Childhood insecurity and low self-esteem often carry over into adulthood, where the already formed personality behaves indecisively and weak-willed. New sources of loss of self-confidence may include:

• obsessive anxiety that cannot be controlled;
• lack of willpower and motivation;
• non-compliance with the invented ideal;
• increased emotional sensitivity;
• flaws in appearance;
• lack of work, doing something you don’t like, or low wages;
• unrealized dreams and plans;
• lack of talents and abilities;
• fixation on past failures;
• stress;
• absence of a partner or recent separation from him;
• fear in any variations;
• self-dislike.

Let's look at one of the reasons using a specific example.

In my third year, I found the strength in myself and enrolled in a theater club. At the rehearsal, it seemed to me that everyone was mocking me, images of monsters and monstrosities loomed in my head.

When it was time to join groups, I hid in a corner and thought that none of the guys would offer to join them. My thoughts became darker and darker, I considered myself an ugly person who had no talents or abilities. And in less than a minute I concluded that I hated myself.

And when self-dislike had already eaten me up from the inside, two girls approached with an offer to join them. And then I burst into tears... I just couldn’t stand the internal pressure. After that, I no longer came to rehearsals, quit the activity that I really liked, for which I began to hate myself even more.

If you still find it difficult to overcome indecisiveness, be sure to read the article “How to love yourself.”

Speak slowly

Speech often reveals the speaker's excitement. One clear indicator is speaking too quickly. It doesn't just tell others that you're worried, it lets them know that you can't control yourself.

In everyday life, monitor the speed at which you speak and adjust it if necessary. This way you will learn to notice that you are starting to chatter and control it. When speaking in front of a large audience, try to maintain your usual speaking pace in a calm environment. This will put your listeners at ease and make them feel like you want to connect with them and also make them feel confident. In addition, speaking slowly will give you more time to think about your next sentences.

Quick ways to gain self-confidence

Gaining confidence and healthy self-esteem is a long process that requires persistence and a desire to change. But what if determination, courage and firmness are needed not today, tomorrow?

There are methods that help you believe in yourself in a short time. Let's go from the easiest (can be applied here and now) to the more complex (will take 2-3 days):

Confidence on a physical level

Portray confidence: shoulders back, head higher, back straighter, proud gait, face expresses calm. Your body should speak for you that you know your worth. Now look in the mirror - this is what a confident person looks like.

And don't forget about the smile! Even if you don’t feel like it, smile anyway, and then you can feel a surge of energy.

Speak measuredly, slowly and always loudly. Don't mumble, but express yourself clearly and clearly. If you feel that you don’t understand the issue and are afraid to say something out of place, try to change the topic of conversation.

New environment, new “me”

Clean your room, or better yet, the entire apartment. Rearrange and replace bedding. Feel how everything is changing for the better.

Are there any gifts left from your exes? In the trash! A little souvenir from the resort where you poisoned yourself? Throw it away and don't regret it!

And after updating your place of residence, change yourself. Get a new haircut, buy clothes in an unusual color, change your perfume, or wear an accessory that is atypical for you.

More entries

Keep a diary and write in it what good things happened during the day. In the evening, develop a plan for tomorrow and implement it on time. Be sure to mark what you accomplished.

Make a list of your achievements. Post the checklist in a visible place and add something new every day. Let it be a small thing: “helped a neighbor carry her bag,” “walked 8 kilometers,” “got up half an hour earlier.”

Praise yourself for each completed point of the plan and for each new achievement.

“Thank you” and “please”

Accept compliments with gratitude. Don't brush them off, don't devalue them, and don't start talking about your shortcomings in response. Smile sincerely and say thank you. Believe that what is said is the truth and not flattery.

Learn not only to accept compliments, but also to give them. Sometimes it's even more difficult. Try to say something kind to a loved one, be sure to be sincere. And you will be pleased too.

Talk to a stranger. Offer your help or ask for help. Even a banal “what time is it” will be enough. During the dialogue, do not lower your head. Look into the eyes of your interlocutor.

Towards positivity through negativity

Draw your fears. What would they look like? In the form of a person, an animal or an incomprehensible substance? What color and size are they? Look carefully at the pictures. What do you feel?

If you are going somewhere and are afraid of the upcoming event, close your eyes and imagine the worst case scenario. What's the worst that could happen?

After such fantasies, fear will gradually begin to go away, everything will seem not so hopeless. Courage and determination will appear. Read more about this topic in the article “How to become brave.”

Old plans

No more hiding your to-do list in the closet. Take the burden of unfulfilled plans off your shoulders.

Have you always wanted to go to your aunt in Saratov? Buy a ticket and go! Have you dreamed of going to a spa? So don't sit still. All in your hands.

Stand up straight

In addition to your smile, your posture affects your speech. Good posture is essential to speaking confidently. When you stand up straight, you can breathe deeper, which allows you to control your body and observe the rhythm of your speech. Plus, body posture makes it easy to gain confidence even when you don't have it.

Strike a superhero pose. To do this, stand straight, hold your head high, place your feet hip-width apart and distribute your weight evenly. Lift your chest, push your shoulders back and relax them. Avoid rocking, pacing, or tapping—all of which distract listeners from what you're saying. Remember to practice striking a superhero pose while looking in the mirror.

Long-term step-by-step instructions on the path to confidence

The previous methods help quickly, but their effect wears off just as quickly. Accept the fact that there is no magic cure for insecurity. To become truly self-confident, you need to work on yourself for a long time. Special instructions will help you with this, and it is equally suitable for both men and women.

Step 1. Get rid of negativity

Stop wasting energy on toxic people. If there are individuals next to you who unreasonably criticize everything around them, are always negative, complain but do not solve their problems, are angry with others because of their failures - feel free to say goodbye to them.

Such personalities do not give you room to grow. After every conversation with them, there is a residue in my soul. Let go of the guilt for wanting to say goodbye to a toxic person and think about yourself.

The same applies to everything else: places, habits, things and thoughts. If something prevents you from moving forward, takes away the positive, pulls you into the past - forget about it.

Do you go to a cafe where your loved one left you? Find another place. Do you like to sleep longer? Get out of bed immediately after your alarm goes off. A lot of things that are not needed, but it’s a shame to throw them away? Train yourself to get rid of any three items every week.

Step 2. Fill in the gaps

When you get rid of everything unnecessary, gaps will form in your consciousness. Fill them with good habits.

Start small: return from work by a different route, drink warm water with lemon on an empty stomach in the morning, or walk for half an hour before bed.

Good habits help you stay healthy and energized for many years, so think carefully about which ones you should develop. Start with one, and after a month master another, a third.

Next time you're at a social event, don't hide, try walking up to a stranger and talking. Ask a question, praise the environment, food, or attire of your interlocutor. Day by day, increase the number of phrases and the duration of the conversation.

Try to meet educated, talented individuals from whom you can learn knowledge and experience. Or, on the contrary, look for those whom you yourself can teach something. Your environment should be conducive to your personal growth. Don't forget that you have much more in common with people than you thought, and you shouldn't be afraid of them. Forget about social anxiety!

Set yourself up for positive thinking. Instead of thinking about failure, think through your head about what to do to make your plan a success.

If you have an interview, don’t think “I won’t succeed.” Tell yourself: “I’ll do this, and then they’ll take me, I’ll succeed.”

Step 3. Self-discipline

Self-development and work on yourself takes more than one week. The first two steps can be a difficult hurdle that takes a long time to overcome. At some point, a crisis may come when you no longer want to do anything. This is normal, because change is always difficult. But we must fight this.

Forget phrases such as “I’ll do it later”, “I’ll postpone it until tomorrow”, “it’s too early”. Only here and now. Overcome everyday temptations. Don't forget to reward yourself for perseverance, it gives you impetus for the next step.

Psychologists advise using the “20 minutes a day” rule as a preventive measure against laziness. Its essence is that it is enough to devote 20 minutes a day to any activity in order to see serious results over time.

Oddly enough, to get rid of laziness, sometimes it is useful to do nothing. Adequate rest is the key to efficiency at work.

Setting goals helps fight laziness and develop self-discipline. First, formulate it clearly. No abstract expressions or metaphors! At the same time, you must set realistic deadlines for its implementation.

Make a plan to achieve your goal. For example, your goal is to do 100 squats every day after 3 months. Describe point by point how you will achieve this result. Task No. 1. Do 10 squats for 3 days. Task No. 2. Do 15 squats for a week in a row. And so on for 3 months.

Be sure to write down your goal on paper or electronic media, or better yet, post a reminder note in a visible place.

Don't set many goals at once. It’s better to do one thing, and then move on to the next plan.

Knowing that you can achieve what you want will not only discipline you, but also raise your self-esteem.

Step 4: Environment

The next step is to build relationships. It is important to have only a positive environment nearby: family, friends, people who positively influence you, support you and help you in your endeavors.

Communicate more, try to ask questions and give complete answers, and not get away with monosyllabic phrases. The more often you overcome embarrassment and timidity, the easier it will be to build a dialogue.

To know which way to go, ask for criticism. Listen carefully, do not be offended and do not give up. Don’t focus on the fact that everything is bad, but think about how to correct the shortcomings.

Make sure your criticism is objective and constructive. Just listen to her.

Stand up for your opinion if you think you are right. Always use arguments, not empty phrases. Be prepared to lose an argument and learn from it.

After analyzing the criticism, focus on solving the problem, not on the problem itself. For example, at work, your boss takes anger out on you and verbally humiliates you, which leads to self-doubt. Think about how to fix this problem, and don't feel sorry for yourself.

Step 5. Health and appearance

Beauty and health do not necessarily come with high self-esteem. But a nice appearance and good physical condition definitely won’t hurt.

Sport is the key to success in many areas of life. It helps to improve health, tighten your figure, develop willpower, find like-minded people, improve your well-being, get rid of the blues and depression, as a result of which self-confidence increases.

The choice is huge: football, basketball, swimming, running, table tennis, badminton, figure skating and much more. Perhaps you will find your calling in sports.

A balanced diet can be a good addition. Eat fresh, healthy foods. Drink more fluids, make vegetables and fruits a mandatory part of your diet.

Don't skimp on your appearance. Take care of your skin, hair, and nails.

Pay attention to your clothes. This does not mean that you need to spend exorbitant amounts of money on branded items. Buy quality products, clothes should be neat and fit you well.

It is important that you feel comfortable in your new look.

Step 6. Self-improvement

If you follow the advice and go clearly step by step, then you have already stepped on the path of self-improvement: good habits, discipline, new acquaintances, sports - these are its elements. Continue in the same spirit.

Do something that brings positive emotions. Especially if this activity reveals the strengths of your personality. Be proud of your abilities.

Continue to learn, gain skills and gain experience. Study foreign languages, try yourself in sculpting, drawing and singing, writing and dancing, work on your speech, sign up for acting courses. Yes, whatever your heart desires!

Self-improvement gives you the opportunity not only to develop intellectually, but also to grow in your own eyes.

Step 7: New Horizons

When you get to this step, you can congratulate yourself. You have achieved a lot. All that remains is to consolidate the result.

A confident person is not afraid to take risks, so you shouldn’t be either. Do something that previously seemed like a nightmare to you: dance in the street in front of everyone, write a poem and read it in front of an audience, hug a stranger.

Don't be shy, take action, become a little bolder! Prove to yourself that you can do anything.

Each achievement will strengthen your sense of confidence and self-esteem.

Relax your body

Nervous tension most affects the muscles of the jaw, neck, larynx and shoulders. Meanwhile, these muscles are responsible for the tone of your voice. Relaxing them is essential if you want to sound confident. Start with deep breathing. As you exhale, open your mouth slightly, relax your jaw and let out the air as if you were groaning. Swing your arms from side to side, stretch your neck, and move your jaw to release any tightness in those parts of your body. If you feel tension in these muscles during your performance, focus on relaxing them.

Harmful installations

I talked about what to do to increase confidence, and now let's talk about what not to do.

• Think about bad things

Let's remember Step 1. We are trying to get rid of negativity, so away with gloomy thoughts!

Very often anxiety comes in the evenings. Instead of burdening yourself with obsessive thoughts, read an interesting book or take a walk before bed.

• Lock yourself in

There are not only enemies around you. Family and friends can only help you if you allow it. Don't keep everything to yourself, let your neighbors lend their shoulder. Don't be ashamed to appear weak; honesty and openness will benefit you.

• Be a perfectionist and accept only ideal results

Everyone makes mistakes. Accept that they are inevitable! Confident people can handle this. They take action and solve problems.

• Use alcohol to maintain confidence

Remember, this is not a solution to the problem! You may feel better for a brief moment, but the next day the experience will return. You need to develop internal strength without using doping.

• Compare yourself to others

You are you. There is no need to compare your life with someone else's. Better focus on your development. We don't always see things as they really are. People often show only the outer light shell, hiding the dark sides inside.

• Blame others for your failures

You can name many reasons why things don’t work out for you: people are to blame, circumstances are to blame, or just chance. But only you alone can fix what doesn’t suit you. Even if someone is to blame, it doesn't matter now. Take responsibility for your here and now.

• Taking out anger on loved ones

For some, the reaction to troubles and failures is expressed in the form of apathy and depression, while for others it is expressed in the form of anger. Negative energy needs to be dumped somewhere, and loved ones often find themselves under attack. Instead of shouting and arguing with your family, you need to be patient, and then talk honestly and openly with them. Tell us what worries you, and perhaps you will come to a solution to the problem together.

Get rid of common phrases

In modern speech there are many ubiquitous but empty phrases, for example: “sorry”, “what I want to say”, “this is my opinion”, etc. Most of them, among other things, demonstrate your doubts. By using such phrases, you seem to apologize for what you said. And why should people continue to listen to you after that? Such statements usually come out when you are nervous about other people's reactions to what you are communicating. Therefore, speak, avoiding such “apologies”. Then you won't have to clarify that this is your opinion. Which, by the way, will sound weighty and authoritative.

List of books for healthy self-esteem

To make the most of gaining self-confidence, I recommend reading literature on this topic.

E-books.

1. Jill Hasson, Sue Hadfield. Gain self-confidence. What does it mean to be assertive? A tutorial for those who want to become self-confident. On the pages of the book you will find examples, tests and practical exercises.
2. John Kehoe. The subconscious can do anything. Work based on the results of research about the human subconscious from the writer and personal growth coach John Kehoe. You will learn how to formulate and visualize your goals, how to increase your self-esteem and be happy no matter what.
3. Boris Mikhailovich Litvak. 7 steps to stable self-esteem. Literary training. After reading, everyone will be able to better understand themselves and control their thoughts.
4. Pavel Alekseevich Fedorenko, Ilya Kachai. Self confidence. How to get rid of shyness, indecision and increase self-esteem. A practical guide for people suffering from social phobia. The therapy is based on the principles of cognitive behavioral psychotherapy.
5. James Rapson, Craig English. Praise me. How to stop depending on other people's opinions and gain self-confidence. Seven practices from the authors of the book to change a person’s thinking, after which he begins to believe in himself and finds harmony.
6. Anastasia Zaloga. Self-love. 50 ways to increase self-esteem. After 8 years of working with clients, the practicing psychologist decided to tell others how to gain a sense of confidence and pride in themselves.
7. Robert Anthony. The main secrets of absolute self-confidence. The main idea of ​​the book: “After changing yourself and your inner world, you will be able to influence your life.”
8. Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic. Self confidence. How to increase self-esteem, overcome fears and doubts. The author argues that uncertainty is an impetus for self-improvement and a better life. The book describes how to work your way from the bottom to the top and increase self-esteem.
9. Rob Young. Self confidence. The ability to control your life. Psychologist Rob Young describes techniques that help you take control of any situation. After reading, you will be able to get from life what you always wanted.
10. Andrew Matthews. Live easy. Australian psychologist Andrew Matthews wrote about how to look at the world in a new way and become a happy person. In addition, the book is filled with funny illustrations for a better understanding of the material.

Printed books.

1. Oksana Sergeeva. How to awaken self-confidence. 50 simple rules. The author claims that each of us has self-confidence, we just need to activate it. The book helps to “awaken” inner confidence and make it work for yourself.
2. Robert Kelsey. Confidence code. How can a smart person become self-confident? The author of the book describes his own experience and research in the field of psychology. He will tell you what confidence is and where it begins.
3. Brett Blumenthal, Daniel Shea. One habit per week for the whole family. We increase confidence, strengthen relationships, take care of health. The book describes step-by-step recommendations for strengthening your own confidence, confidence in relationships and achieving harmony within the family.
4. Maria Nosova. I'm sure. I'm sure. The author is a practicing psychologist, YouTube vlogger. Her book is a collection of techniques aimed at overcoming difficulties in communicating with unfamiliar people, gaining confidence and learning how to respond to stressful and emotionally unstable situations.
5. Brian Tracy. The power of self-confidence. The author draws on his experience interacting with five million entrepreneurs, businessmen and other successful people from sixty countries. Brian Tracy is confident that readers will be able to be more confident in their actions and take risks without difficulty.
6. Leil Lowndes. Goodbye shyness! A practical guide to overcoming shyness and developing self-confidence. In the book, you will read about how to talk to people, how to get rid of signs of shyness, and how to come to terms with past failures.
7. Les Giblin. How to gain confidence and strength in communicating with people. This literary work is intended for those who want, but cannot make friends, who seek to influence the behavior of others and convince them that they are right.
8. Rosabeth Kanter. Confidence. How cycles of victories and defeats begin and end. The book has an easy style, it is quick to read, the essence is clearly presented and is accessible to a wide range of readers. The author tells how to achieve success in all areas of life.
9. Florence Binet. My little notebook. Developing self-confidence. Self-instruction manual for parents and their children. From the book you will learn how to help your child feel confident and comfortable.
10. Dale Carnegie. How to build confidence and influence people when speaking in public. The book contains 3 works by the author. On the pages you will find a lot of useful psychological advice, life stories and quotes from famous successful people.

Enter after a break

One of the surest ways to offend your interlocutor or at least lead him to unpleasant thoughts during communication is to start speaking immediately after he has finished the next phrase. This gives the impression that you were impatiently waiting for your turn to speak and were unlikely to listen to the other person at all.

When communicating with people, pause for a second or two after the speaker has finished speaking before responding. Not being in a rush demonstrates your confidence and gives your remarks more authority. In addition, this example is contagious: take your time - and others will behave the same way.

Correct posture

What do you always notice at first glance? On a person's posture.

Your image will automatically become aristocratic if you always stand or sit straight with a straight back. It is posture that is a sign of a confident person who never caves in front of others. At the initial stage, this will be quite difficult to achieve, moreover, it can even be very difficult, because you need to train yourself to always keep your back straight. You should constantly perform exercises that will strengthen your shoulder blade and lower back muscles.

In general, get up from your computer right now

and straighten your back, pull your shoulders back and lower them. At the same time, the body should look forward, and the arms should be slightly laid back. Practice doing this exercise as often as possible and you will soon notice the results. Just don't stand like a fashion model on the catwalk. From the outside it will look extremely ridiculous.

Personal talents and positive qualities

The first thing you need to do is make a list of personal talents,

various positive qualities, of which you probably have many, as well as good skills.

Simply put, identify for yourself personally all your strengths in which you have no equal, at least in your environment. There are definitely things that only you and no one else can figure out. Let this become your weapon that you can use. Moreover, by showing your skills to other people, you can earn their respect and trust.

Communicate more

You need to communicate more precisely when you experience real fear from it.

. Start visiting interest clubs, sign up for some courses, start accepting invitations to various parties.

If you are a guy, then approach girls and introduce yourself. They may want communication even more than you, but they do not dare to approach you first, since it is more difficult for them to take the initiative. If you suddenly get rejected, breathe easier, don’t take it as a huge disaster. Probably, today the girl is not in the mood or for a million other reasons that are known only to her, but have nothing to do with you personally.

Make eye contact

It is sometimes advised to get rid of excessive worries during a speech by looking towards the back of the hall. In fact, the speaker’s gaze “over their heads” sharply reduces the audience’s attention to him. Another technique works effectively.

When speaking in front of a large group of people, take turns making eye contact with individual audience members. Fix your gaze on each person for at least six seconds, then move your eyes to someone who is in another part of the room. Do not return your gaze to people you have already looked at. This technique gives your listeners the feeling that you are speaking specifically for them. At the same time, many, meeting the eyes of the speaker, begin to smile or react positively to the speaker in some other way. This allows the latter to feel confident.

Pay attention to your choice of clothing

For a woman, this is perhaps the most obvious answer to the question

how to become more confident in yourself. And not even because we are greeted, as a rule, by our clothes, but because correctly selected clothing items will help even the shyest girls to add self-confidence.

In those moments when you need to be on top, you need to approach the choice of clothes with the utmost care: you simply have to be on top, but at the same time remain yourself.

Learn to define your own style.

To do this, you can consult with your friends or even turn to professionals. Maybe all you need to become more confident is just a slight change in your image.

Start smiling

You might be surprised how much of an impact even the smallest smile can make to defuse any situation and make everyone feel as comfortable as possible.

Who would you turn to for help, a gloomy and stern person or a smiling person?

If you are concerned about the sincerity of your smile, it is enough just not to smile all over your face. An insincere smile will be noticed a mile away. Well, if you are truly truly happy, then those around you will simply feel it and appreciate it.

Know how to relax

Always try to listen to your feelings

desires and feelings. Try to constantly find time to be alone with yourself. This is necessary to collect your thoughts, understand and hear yourself better.

Learn to take care of yourself, constantly ask yourself what exactly you would like today.

These may be small, but necessary things for you, for example, taking a walk down the street, buying something tasty, doing gymnastics, or watching your favorite TV series.

How to love yourself

First, you need to understand that self-love is not constant admiration and narcissism. Love is more about accepting yourself with any shortcomings. There is nothing enthusiastic here, this feeling is neutral. To fall in love, you need to praise yourself more often - many psychologists repeat this tired exercise over and over again simply because it really works.

The first step is to try to get rid of complexes