Cheating happens even in stable, loving couples and happy families. It is no secret that often the decision to cheat on a partner takes many days to mature, and the person who is planning to cheat does not experience any particular sexual dissatisfaction. But if not sexual hunger, then what then pushes a sincerely loving and caring partner to betray his love object?
The psychology of cheating depends not only on our thoughts and hormones
I would like to think that a person is the creator of his own destiny, and he can easily cope with his own seditious thoughts about adultery. But the mechanism of betrayal is such that a lot depends on the environment, social attitudes and even patterns of behavior that we drag into our lives from our parents’ family. Let's figure out why cheating is not so uncommon in successful couples.
No couple is immune from cheating
Why does a man cheat?
Why do men cheat on their wives after many years of marriage? Any betrayal has a reason and very often both spouses are to blame.
Treason is a violation of fidelity in love or marriage.
Source Wikipedia
Over many years of married life, passion disappears from relationships, and the relationships themselves often become monotonous. People live together as if by inertia, and life is an endless sequence - home-work-home.
Sometimes a man is not satisfied with intimate relationships when his wife denies him intimacy or does not satisfy him in bed. The reason for this may be a woman’s chronic fatigue - if she has to go to work, take care of children, wash, cook, and she simply does not have the strength for sex. And if a man lacks physical intimacy, he may well cheat on his wife.
Statistics on marital infidelity
There are no official statistics on the number of adulterous affairs. It does not exist either in Russia or in the world. In 2022, BBC journalists decided to rectify the situation by conducting a large-scale anonymous survey of men and women aged 30-40. Respondents were asked two questions: have they ever cheated on their partners and do they expect their significant other to cheat? The survey revealed some interesting things.
Firstly, that most people, of course, do not expect cheating. 95% of respondents expressed confidence in their partner’s fidelity. And secondly, the frequency of adultery turned out to be much higher than is commonly believed. 70% of men and 65% of women admitted that they had cheated on their partner at least once.
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Despite the “impressive” numbers, according to the researchers, these results should not be interpreted as definitive proof of the fickleness of human nature. After all, as practice shows, people perceive the concept of betrayal differently.
For a woman, this is not only the physical intimacy of a partner with another woman. A spouse may accuse her husband of cheating if he chats with someone on social networks or pays too much attention to his “friend” at a party. At the same time, a woman may consider herself guilty before her husband if she began to communicate too closely, “mentally” with another man, for example, at work. Despite the fact that there was no physical contact, it is common for many women to scold themselves and feel shame only for close emotional intimacy and passion for someone other than their husband.
Men are more conservative in this regard. As a rule, they call cheating exclusively physical contact with another woman, while light flirting, correspondence on social networks and even open flirtations with office employees and the wife’s friends are not considered adultery.
“Most often, women who are faced with the problem of men cheating come to see me,” comments psychologist and coach Elena Gamayun. “Therefore, despite the fact that there are no official statistics on this issue, from my own experience I can say that men still cheat more often.”
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Why men cheat on their wives but don't leave their family
Many men cheat on their wives, but do not leave their family. And there are many explanations for this:
So convenient
Men say “A mistress is a holiday, and a wife is everyday life.”
They choose a mistress for bed pleasures, and the wife remains a reliable support for them. The wife is waiting for her husband after work, the house is tidy, dinner is cooked, the children are well-groomed, and in difficult times she will help with advice. The connection with the wife is more emotional, and with the mistress it is more physical. A mistress gives new sensations, and a wife gives comfort.
This can go on for a long time until the truth comes out or until one of them gets tired of it.
Doesn't want to change his life
A man cheats, but does not leave the family because he is afraid of change and is not ready to change his life. He is not sure whether he really loves his mistress, and she him. He is afraid that he will leave his family, and after some time his mistress will leave him, and he will have to rebuild his life.
Didn't understand my feelings
An adult man understands that passion is not love, and it will fade away over time. This means that after some time everything may change. What if, over time, he realizes that he does not love his mistress, and has already lost his family? Then you will have to use the third option - look for new love. If you make a mistake now, you may not be able to correct it in the future.
Not sure if his mistress loves him
A man cheats, but does not leave the family, because he is not sure whether his mistress loves him. If he has strong feelings for her, this does not mean at all that his mistress has exactly the same feelings for him. He is afraid that over time his feelings will fade away, and he will regret that he left his family in vain.
Still loves his wife
A man can cheat on his wife, although he still loves her. He may also have strong feelings for his mistress and spend a lot of time with her, but he is in no hurry to leave the family.
Changed “accidentally”
This can happen when a man is on a business trip - he met a woman, slept with him and broke up. Such relationships do not obligate anyone and it is naive to believe that he will therefore leave his wife.
A wise woman will try to forgive her husband. Everyone makes mistakes, but the main thing is that betrayal does not happen again.
Doesn't see anything wrong with cheating
For some men, cheating is commonplace. This is their way of life. The man lived like this before marriage and is not going to change anything in his life after the wedding. He is proud that he has had many women and brags about it to his friends. But he is not going to leave his wife, because he does not have any feelings for other women. For him, family is the most important thing. This is a reliable rear, comfort, a familiar, quiet life.
And cheating is just a way to show your friends your emancipation and prove that he is a “real man.”
Selfish goals
For example, self-interest may lie in the fact that a relationship with his mistress will help him climb the career ladder.
Seeks new sensations
It is known that passion fades over time. No matter how passionate the relationship is, the sexual attraction between partners becomes less. Partners get used to each other, so the man tries to find new sensations on the side.
Birth of a child
A child was born into the family, and the mother turned all her attention to him. Due to additional worries and responsibilities, there is little time left for intimate life. As a result, the man tries to console himself on the side.
Unsatisfied with sex life
Some women have been raised to feel embarrassed about relaxing in bed with the man they love. Then the man can try to satisfy his needs and realize sexual fantasies on the side.
Self-affirmation
Information about conquests has been preserved in the genetic memory of humanity. Nothing has changed now. Only the goal of conquering distant lands was transformed into a struggle for a career, money, fame, and recognition in society. When some difficulties arise in work, a feeling of inferiority appears: due to the lack of the desired status, insufficient money to support relatives, unemployment. A failed careerist concentrates his efforts in the wrong direction. Seducing girls brings a temporary feeling of sufficiency. In this way, the cheater tries to assert himself. The main thing is to get the “trophy”. Intimate connections partially replace the need for self-realization.
Research from the British Institute of Economics has found a relationship between intelligence and the tendency to commit adultery. Highly intelligent representatives of the stronger sex are more faithful companions. A successful loving man who knows how to earn money is established as a person. The completed mission of the “breadwinner” gives a feeling of completeness. Professional development excludes raising self-esteem at the expense of women.
What should a wife do in this situation?
The man cheated, but he doesn’t want to leave the family - that’s understandable. What should a wife do in this situation? Forgive or file for divorce?
If this is not the first time your husband has cheated and there is a high probability that he will continue to cheat, then it is better to break up as soon as you find out about the cheating. Otherwise, he will continue to cheat, and you will suffer from his cheating. It is known that strong family relationships are built on mutual trust. And if you don’t trust each other anymore, then nothing good will come out of your life together.
Not all women are ready to leave their husband, because they cannot imagine their life without him. In this case, there is no need to create scandals and hysterics, it is better to calmly talk to him and set a condition: either family life, or going “to the left”. Don't put pressure on him, give him time to rethink everything and perhaps he will understand that he behaved incorrectly. Well, if your husband doesn’t consider himself guilty, let him go. Let him live his life, and you will still find true love.
When you find out about cheating, do not pretend that nothing happened. With your tacit consent, your husband may continue to cheat further, and your experiences may end in a nervous breakdown.
A situation where a man cheats but does not leave may indicate that he is confused and needs help. If you are not ready to lose your loved one, help your husband understand what is happening. And then there is a high probability that the husband will remain in the family.
Position of science
From the point of view of neuroscience, love, affection, the desire for sex with only one partner is determined solely by the work of neurotransmitters in our brain. The main one is dopamine, a neurotransmitter involved in the formation of addictions. When partners experience joy from each other’s company, which is usually observed in the “candy-bouquet period,” the level of dopamine tends to the maximum. And sex with a loved one is perceived by the brain as a reward. And since everyone loves awards, interest in their spouse is maintained high.
But over time, changes occur in relationships. We begin to see our partner no longer “through rose-colored glasses,” but with his mistakes and behavior and actions that are not always pleasant to us. The “magical” effect of dopamine decreases, passion subsides. And since not all partners are ready to constantly maintain this “fire” in a relationship, the brain can “tell” you to look for pleasure on the side.
Another neurotransmitter that is important in relationships is oxytocin, called the bonding hormone. It is its sharp release after childbirth that forms the almost instantaneous attachment of a mother to her baby. It also influences the relationship between men and women, as it creates an invisible connection between them. Oxytocin is produced in response to physical contact: kissing, hugging, sex. And the more frequent and close this contact is, the stronger the “oxytocin threads” connecting the spouses will be. If there is no cuddling and regular sex, attraction and attachment will naturally wane and go away.
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Is it possible to save a relationship after my husband cheats?
It is possible to maintain a normal relationship after your husband’s betrayal only if he is able to convince you that this will not happen again and you forgive him.
How to behave after you decide to stay in a relationship
If you have forgiven your husband for cheating, it is important for you to save your family, then try to adhere to some conditions:
- The husband must understand that the wife will not tolerate a second betrayal;
- There is no need to take revenge on him. It will not be possible to save the relationship in this way; most likely, it will completely destroy the family;
- You should not seek solace in alcohol;
- You have forgiven your husband and there is no need to remember the betrayal.
After cheating, a woman needs to take care of her psycho-emotional state:
- Forget the grudge;
- Don’t complain about your husband to your family and friends, this will only remind you of what happened;
- Try to understand what prompted your husband to cheat and try to compensate for what the husband lacked in the relationship;
- Don't make scandals.
How to get your husband to be faithful to you
Try to keep your husband from infidelity by any means possible so that he doesn’t even have thoughts about cheating:
- Take care of yourself, always be neat and well-groomed;
- Keep your home tidy;
- Prepare home-cooked food. If for dinner every day there are only semi-finished products, few people will like it;
- Support your husband. It is important for him that his wife is not only a good lover, but also a good friend;
- Don’t try to re-educate your husband, it won’t work anyway. Love him for who he is;
- Be a weak woman. A strong and independent woman can make a man feel unwanted and useless;
- Do not control your husband too much, because he, just like you, should have personal space.
Call of nature
Some representatives of the stronger sex justify themselves by the call of instinct. Fertilization of the greatest number of females is an immutable law of nature.
However, people are not animals. Having a permanent partner, it is possible to resist base passions.
A mature, conscientious person has a developed sense of duty to his wife. Many people find it difficult to take responsibility for their own actions. Mostly immature individuals are capable of justifying betrayal solely as a biological need.
Reviews why men cheat
What do people say, why do men cheat on their wives?
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There are many reviews, but there is no clear answer to this difficult question.
Middle age crisis
“Have I tried everything in life?” is the main worrying question for forty-year-olds. During middle age, many are troubled by a feeling of dissatisfaction with their marital past. The desire to make up for lost time arises if the breadwinner of the family completely devoted himself to his career, business, or science. Former well-deserved successes, a loving wife, and children fade into the background. Understanding that old age is approaching pushes us to take previously unusual actions.
It is important for a person to feel admiration, approval, support, love. If a wife forgets to please her husband with affectionate words, he cheats with his young passion. The enthusiastic look of a young girl inspires new achievements and stimulates development. This is why a married man decides to commit adultery at the age of 40.
