Irritability and aggression are those affects that always cause harm to people around them, mainly to loved ones. This can be both physical and moral impact. Those around him suffer, and the person himself, who cannot restrain himself, suffers.
It is believed that aggressive behavior is more characteristic of men. This is not entirely true; aggression comes in different forms. Men are more prone to direct aggression, expressed in physical actions. This does not necessarily mean beating someone, it can be threats, shouting, sudden movements, or destruction of objects. But there is also indirect, hidden, verbal aggression, which is more characteristic of women (gossip, slander, slander, veiled humiliation).
Try not to be fooled by his emotions.
According to licensed mental health counselor Michelle Henderson, an emotionally reactive person feels emotions very sharply and intensely. He has an extremely short period between emotion and reaction to it. He is unable to take a break to think through his actions.
You can't control your partner's behavior, so focus on managing your reactions. Even if the guy is angry, rude and he is obviously wrong, try not to get involved in his emotionality and not respond in kind. This will only make the situation worse. The best thing you can do is to remain an adequate, respectful interlocutor.
Excitation transfer theory
Increased arousal is one of the important factors of aggressive behavior. Firstly, arousal does not go away quickly, so it can persist when moving from one situation to another. Secondly, it does not matter what caused the increased arousal, and if it is, the likelihood of aggression increases.
Let's say you are driving a car. Another driver cuts you off dangerously. You slammed on the brakes and almost got into an accident. Naturally, this caused you to become more aroused, and this is quite normal. After that, your friend calls you and asks something, and you respond by losing your temper and being rude to him.
Why did this happen? Social psychologists claim that the reckless driver who just cut you off is to blame for your harsh response to your friend. It's simple.
We recommend that you learn to perform several relaxation exercises to reduce the role of this factor.
We wish you success!
Tell me how you feel
When you are dealing with someone who reacts first and thinks later, it will be difficult for you to prove the person that he is wrong. If you point out that he is feeling too emotional about the situation, it will likely only make your partner defensive and make him even angrier. Instead, try talking about how his reaction affects you.
For example, the words “you get mad about every little thing” will probably sound like an accusation to him. And the phrase “I find it difficult to share my feelings when I see you getting so upset” may encourage him to moderate his aggression. Focus not on the person's actions, but on how they affect you.
The most likely causes of male irritability
It is impossible to analyze absolutely all the causes of irritability and aggression in men in one article. We will indicate the most likely reasons and the most general recommendations.
Natural type of temperament
Everyone knows four types of temperament: phlegmatic, sanguine, melancholic and choleric. The most excitable type is, of course, choleric. He is quick-tempered and impulsive, reacts to the situation very quickly, without thinking, sometimes quite violently.
At the same time, melancholic people can be irritated by fuss and the need to make quick decisions.
What to do?
Natural temperament cannot be changed; the only way out is self-education. Automotive training, yoga classes, and various relaxation methods will help with this. A very effective tip: if you want to “explode,” take a deep breath and count to 10.
Physiological hormonal disorders
The level of male sex hormone really affects mental stability. Testosterone is the hormone that makes a man a man: it ensures the formation of genital organs, secondary sexual characteristics, stimulates muscle growth, sexual arousal, and sperm production.
Testosterone levels also affect mental processes in the brain. When testosterone levels decrease, a man becomes irritable, quickly gets tired, and outbursts of anger are possible. The level of testosterone production is influenced by various factors; its wide fluctuations throughout the day are known.
Its natural decline is observed during the andropause period (age after 40-45 years). In addition to changes in behavior, other signs will be noticeable: weight gain, decreased sex drive, decreased muscle strength.
What to do?
Testosterone treatment is prescribed only in severe cases. And so you can establish its production using non-drug methods. The main thing is to switch to an absolutely healthy lifestyle with sufficient physical activity, eliminating bad habits. Review the medications you are using; some of them may affect testosterone production.
Read more: How to increase testosterone naturally
Biochemical changes in the brain
This is primarily a decrease in serotonin levels. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter. It is responsible for many processes in the body, including mood. It is known that in a bad mood the level of serotonin is reduced, and in a good mood it is increased.
The mechanism of regulation of this hormone in the body is not fully understood. But two natural factors are reliably known to increase serotonin levels in the brain: sunlight and carbohydrate foods. A man is angry when he is hungry - this is a lack of serotonin. Addictions (nicotine, alcohol, drugs) are also mainly serotonin.
In addition, it is necessary to strive for positive emotions. In the serotonin-mood relationship, it is not clear enough what is the cause and what is the effect.
A long-term and persistent decrease in serotonin levels in the brain can lead to depression. And this is already a reason to contact a psychiatrist.
What to do?
No one measures serotonin levels routinely. Intuitively, you need to strive for those activities that will improve your mood: sports, a good movie (comedy), your favorite music, sex, communication with people you like. More walks in the sun, more light in general. Eat on time to avoid severe hunger. The diet should be rich in carbohydrates, but you need to remember that fast carbohydrates in large quantities can cause addiction to sweets. Alcohol is allowed in very moderate quantities.
Increased stress levels
We all know what stress is. For many, it is synonymous with change and anxiety. All that makes us worry is stress. At the same time, the level of stress hormones in the body increases - cortisol, catecholamines and others. These are the hormones that historically caused our bodies to run and escape from danger.
Nowadays, stress is not hunger, cold or wild animals; there is no need to run anywhere. Stress is overwork, public transport, traffic jams, inadequate management. Stress can also be attributed to the discrepancy between our capabilities and our desires. For men, this often means the loss of their role as a “leader”, provider, failure in their personal and intimate life.
What to do?
You won't be able to avoid stress at all. You need to learn to relieve constant internal irritation. This is relaxation, good sleep, walks, sports, favorite music, light film, sex, hobbies. During vacation, it is better to go away and change the environment.
Analyze your reaction
The key to working on reactivity in relationships is partners' awareness and willingness to improve their communication strategies. Start by analyzing how your conflicts usually go. Pay attention to any persistent patterns of behavior. When a guy starts to explode: it seems to him that you don’t hear, he doesn’t know what to object. How do you react to his emotionality: blame, defend, or withdraw. Try to remember how such dynamics were created in your dialogues, whether you always argued in this way or whether it gradually became a habit. Discussing and being aware of these things will already help you to monitor and address unhealthy behavior patterns.
Frustration
The discrepancy between the expected and the actual is another reason for aggression. Because frustration causes unpleasant experiences, it can develop into irritability and even aggression.
But it is worth clarifying two points regarding frustration. Firstly, it does not always lead to aggression. Sometimes frustration is experienced completely without it. Second, although frustration is one possible factor in aggression, it is not of central importance and is certainly not the most important of all factors.
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Set boundaries for yourself
When you know you have a hot-tempered partner, it's especially important to take care of yourself. Often in such a situation, a person tries not to share his feelings and experiences at all, so as not to once again provoke a conflict. But these tactics are bad for your mental health. Think not only about his reaction and emotions, but also about your state.
Learn to set boundaries and clearly convey your feelings and thoughts to your partner. Just because he can't control his emotions doesn't mean you should suppress your feelings.
Biological factors
There are theories that a person is prone to aggression by his very nature, from birth. But social psychologists actively criticize this position, because Research shows that levels of aggression vary markedly across countries.
They accept that a person may have an innate tendency to exhibit various forms of aggression, but this tendency is suppressed by cultural and social factors.
But social psychologists by no means ignore other biological factors. For example, the following hormones influence aggressiveness:
- Serotonin. This is a substance that regulates the strength of human anger. If it is lacking, a person loses the ability to effectively control emotions. Therefore, its level should be maintained at normal levels.
- Testosterone. It used to be that the higher the testosterone level, the more aggressive a person is. But recent studies have shown that levels that are too low or too high lead to aggression. Those. It is also important to monitor its level.
In general, social psychologists believe that biological factors have an influence on a person’s aggressiveness, but are far from decisive.
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If you see that the dialogue is not going well, take a break
It’s right to talk about problems, but it’s not always worth looking for solutions here and now. If you see that your partner is heated and in an inadequate state, the best solution is to take a step back. When you are both overwhelmed with emotions, you cannot solve anything, but you risk causing each other a lot of pain and aggravating the conflict.
When a situation becomes toxic, remove yourself from it without thinking. Say that you are not ready to continue the dialogue, offer to end the conversation later. It is especially important to do this if your partner is abusive. This is about your safety and mental health, so don't put up with abuse, but stop it immediately.
Why do people behave this way?
There are several reasons for passive aggression:
- Conflicts are not encouraged by society. From childhood, parents teach children that shouting, swearing, or simply raising your voice is bad. You can't "start first." Growing up, a person does not allow himself to openly show anger.
- In general, few people like to openly conflict. This is unpleasant and requires a lot of emotional investment and self-confidence.
- Another common reason for passive aggression is the inability to emerge victorious from an open conflict. There are many such situations. Conversation with a leader who is not ready to accept alternative points of view. Communication with very conservative relatives. And other situations when showing emotions is unacceptable, but this does not make them disappear.
- Sometimes it's a way to get attention.
