Civil marriage, also known as cohabitation, is gaining popularity among residents of big cities every year. Living together without officially registering a relationship has its pros and cons. It can be considered as a rehearsal for family life, gaining experience, testing feelings, or the most convenient option for a relationship. Among couples in which both the man and the woman have already been spouses, civil marriage is a kind of symbol of peace. It becomes a conscious choice of two people familiar with the intricacies of family life. What about girls who decide to live with a guy for the first time? What to expect from a new experience, and what pitfalls will you encounter along the way? Let's share our experience.
Flaws
Your boyfriend is not perfect. It is not difficult to guess this even before living together, but it will be possible to determine the scale of imperfection only in the conditions of a merciless life. Get ready for special difficulties if the young man previously lived with his mother. The guy spoiled in the family is used to everything in the house being done without his participation: a plate left on the table is washed by itself, socks scattered in the corners are washed by themselves, and food appears by itself.
Young people who have tasted the delights of living separately are more prepared for living together. Every bachelor knows how to serve himself at a primitive level. With a successful combination of circumstances, he reveals talents for cooking, cleaning and washing. At first, everyday little things will haunt you at every step: splashes of paste on the mirror, the floor in the hallway trampled by dirty shoes, crumbs in the kitchen, and maybe even in bed. Who's lucky! Do not despair. You can fight bad addictions, the main thing is not to confuse them with innate character traits.
Disadvantages can also be found in a guy’s habits. For example, a loud sneeze that sounds like thunder from an orchestra pit, causing the whole house to tremble along with you. Some voiceless men love to sing in the bathroom early in the morning, disturbing the sensitive sleep of their lady. Patience, you have a long time to work together.
Before moving, sort out your belongings
This means not throwing everything from the closet into boxes, which will then gather dust in your new common home and get in the way, but dumping all your things on the bed and thinking about each of them: how much do you really need it and whether it should be discarded? get rid of her? It may be hard, but it's worth discarding anything that won't be used for more than six months. Sell the excess at a “garage sale,” give it away to friends, or donate it to a fund to help those in need. Don’t worry: firstly, among your things there are probably only a few truly valuable ones, and secondly, we all acquire things at such a speed that soon you will have to repeat cleaning out the closet together with your other half.
Finance
In most cases, concerns arise from two nuances:
the girl earns more than the guy, the guy’s salary is higher than the girl’s.
You need to choose a convenient budget option based on the ideas of both partners:
General budget - all money is put into one “pile”, expenses are discussed in advance. The wishes of both partners are taken into account. If a girl bought a handbag this month, then next month the guy will buy a console. No sexual privileges unless discussed in advance. For example, guys spend less money on cosmetics than girls, this is their advantage. While the female representative is replenishing her supplies of lipstick, mascara and blush, the young man is saving money to buy a laptop. But here’s the problem: a girl can also dream of an expensive purchase, which she will not see in this situation. How to be? Explain to the man that cosmetics are essential items: they give her a beautiful appearance, and he the opportunity to enjoy his lovely partner. Partially, the total budget is the amount for paying for the apartment and general household expenses. It is divided equally. The couple disposes of the remaining money at their own discretion. One of the partners takes full responsibility for housing and household expenses. More often it turns out to be a man, but there are also business ladies who are ready to support a careless gigolo. If a girl is financially dependent on her roommate, as a rule, she takes care of all the household chores.
Couples starting to live together find it difficult to control income and expenses. To solve this issue, calculate your budget. At first, keeping track of purchases will provide invaluable help and save you from unnecessary quarrels.
Moving in with a guy: how to deal with everyday life and maintain a relationship
How not to kill him in the first week after moving in together?
How to refresh your relationship and escape from everyday life? Psychotherapist Elena Chebykina has the answer to these questions. Asya woke up and did not have time to get ahead of Gleb on the way to the bathroom. “Well, again he took first. What kind of person is Gleb?! Not a gentleman at all. All the time he behaves with me as if I were his sister: he teases me about my appearance, notices any mistakes. Well, why did I choose him?” Asya thought while mechanically scrolling through the feed on her iPhone. “I stopped giving gifts. You won’t get any compliments, especially flowers! And now I can’t even give up the bathroom,” 15 minutes had already passed, and Gleb still didn’t come out. Asya was getting angrier every minute: “Again, because of him, I’ll be late for classes.”
Satisfied and fresh, Gleb left the bathroom. Asya muttered a couple of reproaches to him, and along the way she almost fell, slipping on his wet footprint. Then Asya burst out: “How you got me!” Why can’t you dry yourself with a towel like all normal people?!” "Look at yourself! Our house is as dirty as a barn!” Gleb did not hesitate to answer. And then the usual morning quarrel ensued.
They dated for 2 years before moving in together. Asya had long thought that she was ready to live together, Gleb was in no hurry. At the beginning of the fifth year they began to live together in Gleb’s apartment. At first Asya beamed with happiness. I immediately began to clean out the bachelor cave and create comfort. They chose curtains and bedspreads together. At first Gleb cooked himself, then gradually this responsibility passed to Asya. She began to try, even learned to cook borscht. In the evenings we watched movies, went to hang out with friends in the dorm, and studied for tests together.
The first months were fun, it seemed to both of them that they were not afraid of any kind of life, and it even refreshed their relationship. Then mutual nagging began, with or without reason. There were quarrels with shouting, Asya even packed her things a couple of times and went back to the dorm, after a few days she began to get bored, it was unbearable for her to see Gleb in class and not be able to sleep on his shoulder at night. She was returning. And again they lived for a week as if in paradise, then the rake of everyday life again hit them on the forehead.
They didn't know what to do. When they made up after quarrels, they both promised to be more tolerant of each other. But nothing has worked for 3 months. Quarrel - reconciliation - everyday life - quarrel - reconciliation. Vicious circle.
Memories forced them to make peace. Gleb’s iPhone screensaver was Asya happy and contented in a pink top and shorts; he photographed her last summer on the beach, where he and the group celebrated the end of the session and the beginning of the holidays. Asya’s entire Instagram was dedicated to her and Gleb’s joys, cute pranks and gifts. For example, she posted a bag of macaroons that Gleb quietly slipped into her purse in the early days of their romance. She also saved Gleb’s funny poems in notes on her iPhone; he sometimes wrote them to her without any particular reason.
This morning Asya went to the institute by metro; she didn’t want to go with Gleb in his car. She accidentally overheard a snippet of a conversation between two women about 35 years old: “What’s stopping you from having sex with him, instead of attacking him in response when he again says that the potatoes in your soup were cut the wrong way?” The crowd carried the women to another door of the carriage. And Asya’s phrase sunk into her soul.
Asya thought all day until the evening, and this time decided to give up before the end of the quarrel. She planned to dress up in a stewardess costume and arrange a celebratory flight for Gleb on February 14th.
Elena CHEBYKINA
Yekaterinburg, students, everyday life, relationships, quarrels, reconciliation, sex
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Responsibilities
There is one destructive stereotype in the minds of the vast majority of men: housekeeping is a purely female affair. This arrangement is justified only in one case: when all financial obligations lie with the guy. If both people work in a couple, then household chores are divided between two people.
In the very first weeks of their life together, girls make one fatal mistake: they try to play the role of an ideal housewife. What is the danger?
You will not have enough strength to cope with the suddenly overwhelming responsibilities. Even an experienced housewife needs an assistant, what can we say about a girl taking her first steps in life together? Everyday life will exhaust you and squeeze out all your vital juices. The guy will get used to it and sit on his neck. If you don’t teach a young man to help with housework right away, then it won’t be possible to do so later. He will get used to the position of “master” and will not want to part with it.
Traditionally, men are entrusted with taking out the trash, washing dishes, and the simple part of cleaning, but in each couple the division of responsibilities is individual. Some cohabitants actively practice complete equality: everyone cooks for themselves, cleans up after themselves, and washes their own things.
You know how to make each other happy
I have been living with my boyfriend for almost two years now and I can say with confidence that the most important thing in life together is attention to the other person. The ability to notice what he likes. And the desire to make him happy next to you. I don't have to ask my boyfriend to give me a massage when I come home dead tired - he already knows that I need it. And he never reminds you to grab a can of beer when there’s a football game in the evening. I'll take three anyway. And more chips.
Personal space
At first, partners think that spending 24 hours a day together is a dream and true happiness. After a couple of days/weeks, young people realize that they cannot do without personal space. The desire for solitude is a natural desire that must not only be respected, but also done everything to fulfill it. Let each partner choose their own territory for the rest period. It's good if these are different rooms. And if not? For some, a computer desk, for others, a sofa and TV. Hobbies are also a sphere of personal interests that should not be interfered with without a good reason. But don't go to extremes. Organize your time so that you can be together and relax separately.
What is the problem
If ice and fire are not as different from each other as you are from your soulmate, perhaps you simply belong to different psychological types. At the beginning of a relationship, an extrovert and an introvert are usually fascinated by each other. Their dissimilarity rather unites them. But over time, this causes difficulties and lovers wonder how compatible they are:
- You want to stay home alone, and your significant other wants to go to a crowded party. “Is me really not enough for her?”
- He believes that everything needs to be discussed thoroughly, and you need time to think about the situation on your own. “Will he even let me breathe freely?”
- It hurts you when she says she needs time to herself. “Is she not saying something?”
The easiest way is to take problems with misunderstandings personally or label your significant other as a person with whom it is difficult to communicate. However, this strategy is destructive to your relationship. To make communication more open and fruitful, and for love to sparkle with new colors, try to understand your partner.
Sex
Until a girl and a guy live together, sex in 90% of cases is planned. This especially affects female representatives. The realization that today the girl will be alone with the guy and spend a stormy night with him is a psychological prelude.
While living together, sex becomes spontaneous and at the same time obligatory. It is difficult for a girl to switch to an intimate mood after a working day and household duties. Sex loses its brightness. On especially difficult days (and there will be many of these in the first months), sexual intimacy can also cause a feeling of disgust. Guys are not immune to this situation either. In conditions of living together, the physiological characteristics of partners are also revealed: one wants sex every day, the other wants sex every three days.
How to start a conversation about living together. Living together: how to start a conversation?
After getting to know each other and communicating for some time, you begin to understand that being separated from your loved one for several hours is no longer unbearable. There is only one way out - to live together. But how and where to start such an important conversation, while being sincere and choosing the right words?
To begin with, it’s worth thinking about and weighing everything. It is better to start the conversation with memories of the time spent together, the first acquaintance and communication, the first touches of the body and the first kiss. Plunge into the emotions and sensations of the first meetings, when the fire of passion and love was just beginning to flare up.
Then you can imagine your future together, as if preparing your partner for life together. Describe the picture of how the two of you will live together, how cozy and warm it will be at home together. If your other half is ready, then you can describe future children, how many there will be, how you will raise them together. Feel the touch of bodies not only during your meetings, but when waking up in the morning or coming tired after a hard day of work. But don’t draw a utopia, outline achievable goals; in the future, describing an ideal life can only cause disappointment. You can try to draw a picture of your common future together. It is better to choose a secluded, romantic or distant place for this.
Seeing your loved one's positive reaction to what is happening, you can move on to the main thing, without forgetting that both of you may have disturbing questions about the possibility of losing your existing relationship or parting. However, living together or marriage always involves compromise; know how to give in to each other.
Worldview
Each person is brought up and grows in individual conditions, has a subjective experience and a system of views on the world. Conflicts can be different: an atheist and a believer, a democrat and a monarchist, a Slavophile and a Westerner. But if global philosophical and political issues can be bypassed, then what to do with everyday problems? The girl is a vegetarian, and the guy is a meat eater. The situation is not simple. But even in it you will have to look for a compromise that will resolve the issue of cooking, smells and aesthetic tastes.
Respect your loved one's previous hobbies
We sometimes collect strange things: calendars, coffee cups, figurines of dancing clowns, or anything else that is terribly useless from an ordinary point of view. But getting rid of them is like letting your hand be sawed off. Right. Therefore, even if since childhood you cannot stand grimacing people in red wigs, you will have to accept: some things will remain standing exactly where they have stood for the last unknown how many years. In return, you can put your airplanes on the shelf next to her, although she, for example, hates flying.
Already married
Girls think that living together is forever. In a couple of months or years, the guy will propose, they will get married, have children and live together until old age. Alas, reality is different from dreams. Civil marriages are short-lived and tend to break up.
Cradle of debauchery
Intimate relationships outside of marriage are still condemned among inveterate guardians of morality who grew up during the USSR. But young people do not share such ideas. Despite this, on a subconscious level, young people can feel shame and actively fight against the prejudices embedded by the older generation.
When solving difficulties, remember that it is impossible to change another person to suit you. But becoming a victim and putting an unbearable burden on your shoulders is also not worth it. The purpose of grinding is to make living together comfortable. Over time, you will adapt to new roles and conditions and find a common rhythm and common ground.
Subtleties of living together. Subtleties of family life.
Since our society today is considered to be moderately educated, and the passion for psychology is becoming increasingly popular, we all know about such a thing as a relationship crisis.
Some scientific minds are even trying to calculate the intervals between the most pronounced periods of crises.
But it seems to us that a family is a living organism, which, like all living things, is difficult to put into some kind of framework and subject to general rules.
Each specific case develops in its own conditions and environment. Just as it cannot be said that all children develop in the same way, so the formation of each family occurs uniquely and individually.
In this sense, it seems reasonable to us to talk about the stages of family formation, show the main trends, point out possible pitfalls, but not focus on a specific situation, look broadly, globally and foresight.
Let's consider the intricacies of family life:
* How a family is formed: a man and a woman meet in conditions favorable for their reunification and form one single whole, which will subsequently become that very notorious “unit of society.”
* After going through all the difficulties and obstacles, be it relatives, friends or circumstances, opposites have attracted and entered into marriage, all the fun begins.
* Firstly, it is best for a couple to be under the supervision of a “doctor” for a fairly short but very important period of time at the very beginning of a family relationship. We are not talking about all kinds of psychologists and neurologists, but rather about the closest circle that you trust (family, friends...). Let experienced comrades help you understand that now you are not a lone proud wolf (or she-wolf), but now you are a pack (even if only of two people for now).
* Everyday problems, adjustments, differences in upbringing and perception of the world around us, one way or another, will still make themselves felt, especially in the first moments of life together. Therefore, it would be more correct not to boil during this period, learn to count to 10 and often consult with those who have gone through this period long ago and have passed it successfully.
* This kind of disagreement may arise a little later, when the question of raising your children arises, but then there will be nothing left but to seek compromises and come to agreements with each other. (Here I would like to convincingly ask the reader, before starting the process of upbringing, to still read popular scientific literature about raising children, since this is a troublesome matter and, you know, mistakes are fraught with it...)
* After everyday troubles have been more or less settled, the question may arise: “What to do next?...”. And here everyone answers it themselves or together. We think it wouldn’t be amiss at this moment not to keep it to yourself, but to discuss everything openly, so as not to drag a trail of unspoken problems with you all your life, which, believe me, rarely decrease over time.
In general, most of the problems in our families arise precisely because we absolutely do not know how to talk and listen. Hearing your interlocutor in a dialogue is a real skill, and despite all of us having ears, not everyone knows how to do this.
